Morning coffee shop thoughts. Or perhaps rushing out of one realm and falling into another? If you are falling, may you be falling into the clouds of a beautiful universe.
Hi, I'm Hillary. I believe in alignment, magic, creation, and expansion, and am terrified of being a fraud. I'm hiding from a child, behind a child.
You see, the beginning of my life revolved around one single theme: The Gifted Child. Ever since I was a young gal, I've been told that I had this extraordinary capacity--adults in my family, teachers, peers, bosses, strangers with whom I shared a moment’s conversation…etc. And so at an early age, I promised the universe to do something extraordinary with my life.
In my earlier days, my differentness caused chatter in my family, and I remember being instructed by a distant relative to stand strong in life because there were people waiting for me to fail. As a young gal, I felt isolated...isolated form my peers, isolated from the world, isolated from who I was. All I knew was that I had to do something magnificent with my life, and I had to guard this gift of mine, even if it was with elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt...etc.
There was also a deep need within me to protect the people who believed in me. In a way, I was responsible for their word and faith. They didn't pressure me to become great. They believed in me, and that was so much more. (In fact, all my parents ever taught me to do was to use this gift of mine to follow my heart and build a simple, beautiful life). But The Gifted Child was everything I knew.
She (the child) shaped me into who I am today. At a young age, she taught me to embrace my uniqueness. While other children were learning how to read time, she spent the majority of her time pondering the meaning of life. This child quickly grew impatient with the pace of life and boundaries of time, money, and such. She was to beat time, live outside of its boundaries. She was to live many lives at a time. And money? She was to create a new form of currency...The Gifted Child, she felt this unimaginable force within, this ability to see, feel, and understand things that no one else did.
Ah, The Gifted Child. She was my most powerful asset and my deepest hindrance, a gift and a curse.
She had trouble connecting with people. She was afraid to be who she was, and afraid to disappoint the people who believed in her. And worst of all, She felt like a fraud. Constantly. She never felt like she was good enough.
Elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt were just a few symptoms. The only time she felt at peace was while watching genius movies or reading Nietzsche, or Emerson, or Einstein...etc. That's still true to this day.
So I suppressed her to the extent that I could. I rejected her. And she rejected me.
I turned 25 this past weekend. I still haven't changed the course of history.
At 25 years, I sit here battling the inner child within me. The one terrified to make mistakes and expose herself, mortified that they'd discover she was a fraud, and all the lies I've ever told to cover up the fact that she was just another gifted child who couldn't make it through the scopes of society. Let me explain...
They pull out their telescopes to hunt me down. They capture me only to put me under a microscope. Had they looked through a kaleidoscope. They would have seen me. They would have realized that I'm everywhere.
That we can't exist without each other. That we're a consequence of each other's thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That we live both for each other and from each other. That in this life of infinite love and change, all we're really looking for is alignment.
Alignment with each other. Alignment with the universe. Alignment with ourselves deep within.
Only after understanding that did my inner child put down her telescope. And microscope.
I'm been afraid my entire life, running from myself and hiding from that child, the unfamiliar power within. I wasn't afraid of disappointing everyone else. No, I was afraid of disappointing her. I never had a life away from her. In a way, she had pronounced me dead before I could take my first breath.
But I took my first breath, and the breaths that followed were inhaled with intent to suppress her. I had a bag full of ammunition: telescopes, microscopes, periscopes...the same ones she had used against me.
I wanted for so long to pronounce her dead. To break free of the chains that contained me. To unleash the me beyond her, and to show her that she was the only thing holding me back from coming alive. Put an end once and for all to elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt that she had caused by destroying her.
But elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt is not the means to that solution. What I can do is pull out my kaleidoscope and invite her to do the same.
Should we put an end to all this?
Who pronounced you dead?
...What does alignment mean to you?
This morning, a friend shared with me a story about his lovely morning adventure. My first instinct was to say, "Ah, that's incredible, I'm wildly envious!" But what I truly meant was, "Wow, you're beautiful. I'm deeply inspired by your story."
I think oftentimes, we focus on what others have that we don't, and it brings us to a place of comparison rather than unity. In these moments, we're faced with a choice; we can either feel envy or inspiration. I promise you they're equally powerful.
Swimming in the sand so dry We lied beyond our dreams Wishing for a star’s reply With a spark we could redeem. Once a beating heart so fertile Now crushed beneath your hands Entangled between love and peril Bleeds lost with no command. I’d proposed to get away from here And you’d supplied the how And all our trust from all our years Could not withdraw us now. You’d what promised you would never Still, begged I stay and fight I begged to learn what she’d tendered, And for love to stay the night. The rest shall be it all fictitious For love has earned me grim Could not imagine a love so vicious Thus chose to be with him. I dare not now undo the wrong To amuse a boundless chase It’s not where you and I belong Thus our betrayals I’ll erase. For now I must call you a friend As you still bring me light But dare not yet be naïve again To render one more fight.
Do not wonder If you are the kind Of woman men desert. Please stop piling up A list of things you are Just so you can overwhelm Yourself into thinking That you’re overwhelming To everyone, and anyone In retrospect but desperate To make sense of Something, and anything. Do not ask yourself Why you keep searching For men who stray And do not believe that It’s because you never wanted Love in the first place, Place yourself first. And do not leap into A relationship thinking “It makes sense.” Run or swim or stride Into one but make sure You make sense. I wish for you Nothing but to fall Like leaves to soil, For your own soul. But if you are to paint That picture, then paint it Whole, take the entire pile And launch it into the wall Watch as your canvas Melts to color and blood and Collapses to its knees The beautiful splash The floor, the wall The colors dripping In the collision, you Reach your tongue out And taste the brilliant Enchanting detonation Of all the different Lives you pretended to live The weight of the Unlived still calling, stirring And the lives within you That have never met Let the colors run Into each other because That’s how new colors Are created, and mix them Deeply, beautifully, completely. Your mosaic, I promise Will make them dizzy But imagine please, just For a moment these Kaleidoscopic eyes Filled with ecstasy, ones That see and dream in color In motion, in musical notes Imagine a pair of eyes, yours That will motion your colors Into a story only you sing Because I promise out there There are more, and by dancing To your own colors you Invite them to explore. Let your colors Misbehave more often Let them dance and Not just in any soul But another soul with Kaleidoscopic eyes that swing To your colors and sing A story you can spend Your life painting. Don’t apologize to the world For making them dizzy And believe me, you’ll Never have to apologize to him For being soft because Darling soft looks gorgeous With that mosaic soul of yours And soft will be the color Of the eyes that hold you. Don’t ever wonder—if love is Something you must ask for.
That moment When fire drips From my tongue And wrinkles sink Beneath your lungs. And we’re forced To wonder if A feeling stored Is a burden more. Cause we both know The torment has only Just now begun.
Stranger things have happened,
Taller walls have drowned.
Yours to mine connected,
To heights we must astound.
One cast into the currents
Waves friendship from the ground.
And ancient shores will empty
To send you and me home-bound.
When indecision Becomes your friend Allow your heart A gentle cleanse. Blushing with color Her sunset sky Colors the velvet A sweet goodnight. Just remember that Those who love you Love themselves The same way Those who reject you Reject themselves The same way, and Those who expand you Bathe in stardust Everyday. So take your time Breathe in whole Yield to seductions Of your soul. Paint your spirit With songs old and new And inhale the ocean’s Calming wild blue. Sprinkle all worries Over the sand And let the ocean Wave you her hand. Laugh about forever What fiction sublime! Cause we live but one Half breath a time. Breed lasting forevers Lifetimes in days And release infinity In memories erased. An epic novel This year shall be written The past but a page Of memories forgiven. Hell, tear the chapters Awaken explosions! Perhaps then we can live In short stories and poems. Free all lives unlived And spirits untamed For universes reborn Are stories unclaimed. Lift free your soul To adventure again Discard your notepad But uncap your pen. Feel peace in the wild Eternally rising May true love find you Just as you're hiding. Don’t run from emotions Charge toward them all Your arms might crumble But so will your walls. Please, save your soul Tremble, my dear, Not in shame Tremble in glorious, Wild, epic Anticipation For all that awaits Cause what are we But creatures Dipped in heart Drenched in soul Drowned in love Starving for one Moment's enchantment Tremble, my dear, Because you are home To a wild, glorious, epic soul. Let every soul You touch expand And all that seems lost Shall return again. Yes I blush and I tremble and I fall and I run May the low budget to my high spirit be How all short stories and poems’ve begun.
A few years, I found a soul friend. He didn't know me, and I didn't know much about him. He was a star and I lived across the globe. But at our cores, he and I were made of something of the same substance.
A few days ago, I found out he has passed away from a possible suicide. That soul-throbbing emptiness, I have felt before.
You know the days when you look up at the stars and instantly feel your worries fade? Is it possible that we, as beings, are connected to the substance of another star?
And one day, we look up and feel a dreadful emptiness and a hint of guilt. With no previous understanding that we ever connected with that one star, and no knowledge that the star is no longer there. Still we sit there, consumed by emptiness, feeling so whole and so empty, so big and so small, so ancient and so naive at the same time.
I can't help but think that if only he knew I existed, that he had a soul friend, that we would both feel a little more whole right now. And this is why I do this.
Darling one day, should you push Away years of fantasies you chased The dream you thought you’d never find When comfort pretends to never lie Remember that We made promises to the person we were And not to who we will become So when one day you find yourself On your knees bleeding Your organs cave and instincts crawl Promise me you won’t wait Don’t you dare wait til skyfall Remember that Feeling when your heart drops And your skin swells To the past tastes and faint smells Of love and belonging and dreams come true Oh darling, please let New dreams become too. The poor advice of past voices Leave them behind And void of the new Let them shake and let them stir Remember that The light in the cracks It must pass through And when it does, get after it. Leap, my darling, and don’t look back. Until the wind breaks your face And the branches take your skin And let the waves of ocean Cleanse the palette within. Let the sweat-built armies Free fall off your chin As suns from different universes Bless you with the same power The gods built you in. Remember that Running is not a sin. But the how we begin,
My mood changes with the seasons, and on the colder days, I'm never really able to shake off the feeling that I'm a burden to those close to me. On my lighter days, I’m painfully aware of the negative energy I release into the world I claim to love; and on the heavy ones, I crave destruction.
It’s not only the seasons that determine my state. It’s the rhythm of the wind, the pattern of the stars, the way the blood flows through my veins at a particular angle of posture. Extreme hypersensitivity, I’ve called it since I was 3 or 4.
Nothing ever seems to help.
There was a point in time when I spent my nights trembling beside a night light, haunted by the vibrations of my spiritual sensors. One fortunate Sunday, my good pal Fortuity introduced me to my teacher, Ying Lao Shi. (I’ll tell you about Fortuity later). My Lao Shi explained to me that what I possessed was the gift of a beautiful mind. Until then, I never realized that a mind could be beautiful—and could hardly see how beautiful could be used to describe the dark universe that tortured my sanity each night. He explained to me that he shared an experience similar to mine in his 40’s, and explained that the fact that I experienced this so early on in life meant that I had that much more time to control it and mold it into something beautiful. Ying Lao Shi taught me that my mind wasn’t to be feared, but to be understood, to be mastered. Almost like a superpower.
My teacher didn’t just leave me with those words. He devoted hours every Sunday introducing me to the world’s newest technological innovations, medical breakthroughs, ancient scripts on spiritual resilience, potential career paths, the power of pure love, the art of imagination, and also helped me develop practical skills such as public speaking and time management. Near the end of these sessions, we philosophized for hours and hours at a time—ideas and theories zipping across the room at the speed of light. And so one Sunday at a time, Ying Lao Shi tapped into the gift that he recognized within me. Funny thing is that a decade later, I’m just realizing that not only did he gift me 60 years of knowledge, but also a lifetime’s worth of wisdom. He opened doors to a universe of possibilities while teaching me how to close the doors that did not deserve my attention.
I’ve often wondered about my teacher after the years of Sundays that we spent together. There are so many questions I never asked. Ying Lao Shi always carried a goofy smile on his face. He and his wife were both truly happy, and embraced so much love for each other and the world around them. Even when he was frail and barely able to speak after falling ill to cancer, my Lao Shi smiled and cracked jokes that made us all giggle. That’s when I realized that there was pain in his life that never manifested into his expression. Or maybe I just missed it.
So every now and then, I’m reminded of the beauty associated with those who have suffered and pulled through darkness. I remember that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the darkness within me because there is so much more light. Darkness isn’t something I can eliminate from my life—at least I haven’t learned how yet. And like taking a shower, detoxification of the mind must become a daily habit. There will be days when we’re stuck in darkness, and that’s quite alright. Sometimes we just need to stop fighting sadness so we can accept it and let it pass. The difference is that now I believe in myself, I believe in the light inside of me.
Since Ying Lao Shi, I’ve developed a habit of memorizing people's expressions—on my way to work, at a coffee shop, at a concert, during family events—the list goes on. I remember people by the stories of their expressions. And every now and again, I spot these troubled eyes with a touch of magic…love for life, love for tomorrow. These drowning eyes still full of faith and fight.
These eyes remind me that the most beautiful people, the very ones who allow me believe in life again and again, have all suffered deeply one way or another. Their expressions are of understanding, of purity. They’re eyes that whisper, “I don’t need to know your past to walk beside you.” These people walk through walls with a core of fire and a heart of gold.
And this heightened sensitivity that my Lao Shi has spent so much time cultivating, well it’s a gift. It allows me to feel what others feel, become what they are, visualize & absorb the possibilities of their imagination. My sensitivity is my superpower.
Countless Kingdoms these legs’ve wandered Plunged in tides and yet still risen Volumes of knowledge I’ve yet conquered Shelved this head a virgin prison. Ancient verses I‘ve been taught Thousands of tributes I’ve thus spared Alongside servants I have fought Yet love still finds me unprepared. Wandering seas led you to my shores And framed in light you gallantly stood Through my heart a wavelength tore And sparked a fire through the woods. You emptied my mind of ancient kingdoms And cleansed my soul of native tides Snapped free the bars of endless prisons And promised a love in which we’d rise. But the hands of Dionysus let loose the wine And waves of skies those mean reds swallow Clenching valiantly my prophecy divine As she rains the bleeding heart of Apollo. “Love and madness,” he screamed with rage Muffled by my suffocant breath “Will fall to thee an endless cage And lure swoons to their deaths.” Fleeing the city of fallen ruins To seek the words of Guinevere I followed the road less travelled To a fairer maiden it’d then steer. Tea met me with the Fair Helen Who spilled her heart out on her dress Wearing the armor of beauty’s felon And fragrance of Lady MacBeth. Roam did I the lands with Caesar Of human blood he’d spray perfume Climbing the balcony to try to please her Jesting at scars that haven’t felt a wound. He drove me into the arms of Picasso Where I played with forces I did not know Pumping my veins with blood-filled tabasco That let the seas of madness howl. I sensed it all begin to fade Captivated by the Serpent’s lullaby I completely faded away And murdered my only alibi. Deep, deep down a deep, deep valley Tickled a blazing glow Who should I see but the brilliant you Upon the pyramid of Maslow! Looked back down a Ponce or two At a wrinkle-collecting fountain And realized that to reach the top You’d have to turn the mountain. A sapphire tinted pair of wings An Angel wand’ring hidden spheres Onto you my body springs And into yours my faint arms flare. With you lies the myth of Socrates A question far, far yonder Untold volumes of hypocrisies Still yet, I grow fonder. In the heart of another crisis In the fate of another tomorrow You’ll be my Dionysus, And, I, my beloved, your Apollo.
To you my heart has flown To yours my body’s fled With yours my soul’s been sewn By the angels’ golden thread. A simple glance you’ve sent Runs shivers down my spine And everything dissolves To where the stars align. At night we close our eyes To explore the vague abyss Desires awoken inside By a gentle midnight kiss. Your chest rising and falling Like a garden of musical notes Your eyes calling and calling To yours my body devotes. A touch of love upon me Ignites a vibrant hue And the promises of your vision Keep wide my eyes for you. The thoughts of your hands nearing The whispers of your breath Eyes helplessly endearing Brings resistance to its death. Within your mouth a current That forces my lips apart The moment you hold still We’re begging to restart. You have my heart The way it drops The way it stops The way it pops And the way it starts
There lived no loss In those past goodbyes We’d always move on Cause we always knew why. And those who could’ve loved us We’ll never wonder who We’ll wake up every morning With each other to pursue. And if you need me to find you I’ll always know where The walls of hell I’d swim through This to you I swear. And if this isn’t true love I don’t know what is We dream in vibrant colors Even in the darkness. What matters isn’t when Or why or how you’re not Not who or where you’ve been But that you own my heart. But if we ever dare to Brush this love away Then I only wish to release you From all debt, and That these words I say today You’ll remember to forget. I promise I won’t commit To a man who’s less than you And if you find new happiness I hope the same is true. If you found her in a crowd Did you two meet eyes? Like we did? When she talks sweetly Does my voice echo louder? Would you surrendered yourself completely Every minute of every hour? Can you see through all her lies Within one single glance? Feel your magic in her eyes In the rhythm of a dance? You wouldn’t, I suppose Wonder if I feel the same; Or that if she knows You still taste like my name. Will the tattoos of my kisses Embedded in your skin And in the blood still flowing Still warm you from within? When your arms’re nightly bounded Will you feel like you belong? Or are your ears still clouded By my 4am song? And will the violent waves Of gentle waters arise Above those resilient walls Within your tender eyes? Again and again A day after another Will time recycle With every other? When we’re no longer together How long will it take to see That your one true forever Was only meant for me? This time or another we’ll bother wonder Why someone else is wishing you goodnight. … But my only question is: Will that dark-clouded thunder Cast upon a burning light— To see us one more fight?
"I'm obsessed with making every moment of my life full of value and substance. I'm constantly fighting for miracle and adventure, and everyone around tells me to just enjoy life and stop fighting. Then I realized--I AM the adventure, and I AM the miracle. I'm fighting for myself and I will NEVER give up fighting for who I am. If the greatest adventure is life, and the purest miracle is this very moment, the what the hell am I even waiting for?"
Me: Let’s play a game.
Him: I love it when you say that.
Me: It’s a psychology game I recently learned. Name your three favorite animals in order, and then three traits about each.
Him: Box turtles intrigue me because their lives and habitats are so distinctly different from other animals. They’re unique and still maintain a prehistoric air about them. Manatees interest me for the same reasons; they’re just so peaceful and seem to live with a grace that doesn’t match their physical appearance. Peregrine falcons are the epitome of predator in my eyes, but they can live in the middle of nowhere or in the bustle of NYC.
If I may, I’d like to hear your animals before you reveal the meaning of mine. See how accurate I am—about you and psychology.
Me: Taking my game and making it your own; how enticing. Mine are, respectively, the dragon for its majestic, magical, and all-powerful essence, the wolf’s sexy, fierce, and pack-loyal appeal, and finally, the hawk, for its divine, all-knowing, and free nature.
Him: I get the sense that every one of those adjectives applies to you.
Me: Your compliments are too gracious.
Him: I might see myself as a turtle and I definitely see the wolf in you. But in the end, we’re both birds.
Me: Does that mean we can fly away together? If so, I’ll race you.
Him: If we were birds, where would you want to fly to?
Me: We’d fly against the rotation of the earth, and challenge the laws of time.
Him: That might be the most attractive thing anyone’s ever said to me. I would be perfectly content to spend my life as avian time traveler. Join me?
Me: Don’t have to ask; just glance over beside you and smile back.
Him: Hillary, I am completely transfixed by you.
Me: If I ever fell behind, would you wait for me?
Him: Birds aren’t meant to wait, but some do fly in groups. As a hawk though, perhaps you’re meant to never look back. As for me, an endless journey with you is exactly the kind of trip I would enjoy most.
This was a conversation I had with a stranger many years ago. We never spoke after that.
My Darkest Mask
Inspired by a conversation this week, a part of me has awoken. Call it the full moon if it eases you, but that evening I opened myself up to vulnerability almost unintentionally. I don’t know the purpose of this note, whether I’m asking for acceptance or merely seeking clarity and finding my place in this universe.
Among the topics discussed were my two fantasies growing up; one to be a nun, and the other, a prostitute. Having given this some thought in the past, it appears that what ties the two together is a level of detachment from basic human emotion.
I've noticed that I often find it impossible to feel anger. Not so much because it's a useless reaction, but because punishing oneself over the fault of another doesn't seem to me a natural flow of energy. But I digress.
Returning to human experience, it didn't come naturally to me. I remember very well the last episode of the British show, Sherlock Holmes. In the episode, Sherlock's sister, Eurus, shares that she had always felt as though she lived in the clouds. She paints this picture beautifully by setting a girl on an airplane in the sky where everyone else is asleep. The young girl is the only one awake in a plane of unconscious passengers, with no direction and a crashing plane full of lives in her hands.
Now Eurus’ incandescence far exceeds my capacity, but my sentiment and apprehension very much mirrors her's. Growing up, there were patterns. People learn. People think. People understand. & Well...I see, absorb, and become.
There's always lived a detachment from mankind in me. As a young girl, I remember watching man as if from the clouds, unable to grasp their essence. I remember watching children fight over toys, and I, unable to tear my eyes off of the little red object. Was it the color, the movement of the wheels, or man's unwavering desire to sacrifice their attention riddled in exchange for a moment's enchantment?
Most of man’s concepts and actions I found to be foolish, but I was simultaneously simply and completely mesmerized by the power of the superfluous. The child in me made a pact to find man's secret, and I began by adopting all that was man. I started feeling man’s emotion, I started calculating transactions. And my maturity was nurtured with every emotion I felt, every character I played—as was my manhood.
Then I started falling in love with things and with people. But that wasn't enough. I wanted to live, and I wanted to write the story of life—not just chapters within a novel, but also short stories, poems, epics. Oh, how enticing it all felt. And gradually, an experiment transformed into something unstoppable. I became obsessed. And on my lighter days, I crave and starve for the human experience.
I wanted to hold the light and darkness. I wanted to know. I wanted to feel. I wanted to be. I wanted to die. I wanted to live. The heightened euphoria of intimacy, the dysfunctional depth of emotional dehydration. And oh boy did I love, and love, and love. I lost myself, I re-envisioned myself, I consistently compromised the limitations of my capacity. I watched as characters redeveloped around me, almost sadistically, as I starved myself with enchantment.
Perhaps I've fully assimilated and have become one with man. Perhaps all the silly products of man are rather nice. And perhaps money and time, human emotion and love, all the little red objects on wheels that I play with now—well, they could be common miracles. Perhaps this is all imagined and I am just man. How beautifully terrifying would that be? If I am man, must these thoughts color me despicable?
Growing up, all the adults recognized my intelligence. Cousins my age were warned to stay away from me to avoid any visible line of comparison. The cousin who I was closest in age with growing up, he bullied me. And still to this day, he tries to dissociate himself from me. Am I so grotesque? I learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my observations to myself. So now I ask questions and stop there.
And the people that I respected most, they recognized something too. And they wanted to nurture whatever it was that they saw. It was my new weapon. Or rather, a shield. Whatever it was that people saw. It was always different. I didn’t care, it gave me power and momentum. And sometimes, momentum shadows clarity.
I've been asking Who am I for as long as I can remember. When shall I muster the courage to ask What am I? Or must I surrender under the illusion of personality disorder? Oh dear, please somebody wake up, please. After all, I am just a little girl in the sky with little direction and a fear of crashing the plane full of sleeping souls.
And this concludes the most vulnerable, darkest mask I wear. My hands tremble, my eyes water, my breath hesitates.
A Piece of Today’s Peace
What I'm trying to say is that I've gradually fallen in love with what it means to be human. At my purest state, the word imperfections stands completely hallow. This manmade illusion of perfection averts us from simply existing and vibrating as energies. I am a compilation of vibrations. Aren’t you?
Most days, I feel like The Little Mermaid in this world so foreign, so magical. And I worry because being human feels foreign, even after so many years of falling in love with it. After my short stories are complete, I must again return to my cloud. After writing and writing, I lay down my pen and let life speak. My dimension is calling.
There are two reasons why this is relevant now:
About three years ago, I fell in love with a kind heart. He was rather simple—an intellectual and voracious learner who carried his virtues with much soul and playfulness. Such energy was to be absorbed, and I did so almost immediately. So foreign, so sheltered, my last three years have been of light and cheerfulness. And I thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to spend my life in this story, as this very character?” There were times when I felt completely content writing chapters of a novel. I closed this novel two days ago.
Within those three years erupted endless wars between the protagonist and the writer of my story. Day after day, I found myself short of breath, drowning in the air of man, yet I continue. For three years straight, I lived in a constant state of sleep paralysis. Screaming and kicking and begging, trading all my attention to move a finger or toe. Every day, I found myself chanting, “What the hell am I doing here?” And yet again, every day, I chose to be there. And how could I not, every moment was beautiful!
A few months ago, I also met someone with a little bit of magic, almost dark magic it would seem. What I want from this person is completely different, but he chose the black dress, and I knew he held the first paragraph to a story I want to write. He opened a door, and I exploded in agony. It was like tasting snow for the first time. My entire body drops as I embrace a ground full of falling winter, snowflakes raining as stardust. Often times in life, we meet people who emerge from thin air, staying but a moment’s time to open a window or sit beside you. And so I continue to remind myself in all my interactions with man, we destroy things by trying to make them last forever. How beautiful it is to dissolve in a moment’s time and call it infinity?
Entrepreneurship has always been arousing, challenging me in the most devious of ways. Commitment and organization were hardly faces I could recognize, not to mention the rallying of man support. So naturally, I was drawn to this brilliant adventure. But how can I embark on this journey if I think so ordinarily of mankind's fight for attention and competition? Encounter after encounter my identity withers challenged, and I stand here today directionless before the man-made concept of business, paddling against nature’s currents. What shall motivate me to keep impelling?
Perhaps the reason for my insecurity and deep fear of abandonment is that I don’t belong in this world. And at any moment, they will find out. And when they do, it will just be me in the sky with a crashing plane.
I’m not so delighted as to think me any different. There have been a great deal of those before me, people who saw and felt more. Many of us have assimilated into roles of man simply out of awe by the innocence of man. Some became scientists, some became writers and philosophers. Where do the rest go?
What we’re composed of is a little different. We have a little bit of magic in us.
It’s not intelligence, and that’s what we need to realize. My parents thought it was intelligence, people label it IQ. It’s simply not. So don’t call us artists, as artists are defined by what they create. Don’t call us anything, and simply coexist with us because we share a home in this magical universe.
What we’re composed of is an overflow of energy and adventure, completely and erotically vibrant. And this is what I wish to tell my partner. I feel so much, and to project that onto a relationship just isn’t fair. I travel between dimensions, and to have you wait simply couldn’t be. I tell you this as I’ve tried to tell you each day since we’ve met, I was born and raised in a universe different from the one we know, and occasionally, I must return home. I was never meant to stay in one place for too long, even though I fantasize about it every day, and will never stop asking why not.
How many times must I arrive at this destination until I can find my journey? Or is the secret to recognize that the passengers are happy sleeping, that perhaps if I steer through the rhythm of my heart, we will safely land. What if they wake up and cannot breathe the air that I breathe. What then?
TO HEMINGWAY AND KIERKEGAARD The best parts of a book, they say Are the wrecks of an author’s life The endless sighs and cries Mistaken as a prize. The Artist’s Reward, they call it. An art I’ll recreate Their sighs and cries together I here hallucinate. “I love you just the way you are,” Claims the eye of an archive Snooping for endless logic Too precious to survive. To retrieve a recollection. Passed in end a void Draws on the eye too blind By sensations overjoyed. The checklist delivered at birth A love completed in theory I do, but not enough to Sacrifice vision for memory. “I love who I’ve become with you” Cries deep and fervently The intensity of a newly felt love To transform a moment’s eternity. But the seduction of the highest height Engraves a false forever To secure against the ruins of time With a thread of artless pleasure. If the seduction of aesthetics Dare snare our love confined I pledge to cause the strength to leave our present behind. “We shall chat for all eternity,” Suggests the awakened artist. “With our love as the subject and you as the object.” And so it begins The tragedy of an artist’s soul Because a story that doesn’t end Cannot be a story told. But if this is the story I’m destined to create Let not my beloved surrender to this awry art called fate. “I love you for who you could be. for what we will become,” Transfigures the universal A fantasy rich as none. A reality in construction Lives only in the mind. As reality is its destruction And ends this love with time. And if we dare hold forever to be truer than the now Then each moment wasted Stands truer than our vow. The Artist's Reward is simply our faith in Eternity. Synthesis of the temporal and eternal With freedom and necessity. Combined with the infinite and the finite I found in your company. Two artists and one masterpiece Stands our humanity against destiny. The best parts of a book Are the gems of an author’s life Sighs and cries I now realize Are sweet, sweet tunes disguised.