6:22 wake up: H to message M upon wake up to confirm
Habit tracking: H to screenshot habits by midnight with tracking data to send to M
Not to-do: Watch Greys
What is missing in my life
It becomes more and more clear to me that expansion is at the very core of my current journey. So how to continue on this path of momentum and accelerate the slower parts as next step.
This is clearly one of the greatest issues I face. Lack of financial stability holds me back not only from giving to others that I care about, but also pursuing certain core life dreams.
What’s holding me back: Lack of clarity on which project to focus on. Lack of commitment to dive all in, and lack of patience to wait for results.
This week: Strategy is to create list of 15 companies I want to work with and email them.
Like financial stability, this is one of the bigger blockages. Without knowing that my parents are taken care of, I cannot move forward with certain vital pursuits.
What’s holding me back: Working with Deb is one of the most emotionally and mentally exhausting feelings I’ve ever experienced. I could fire her but that would cost close to 10K of my parents’ money without assurance it would go anywhere.
Strategy is to complete gate ASAP. This needs to be my number 1 priority because everything else depends on it.
This week: Deb to fix drawing and fire dept to stamp drawing, file variance request, review Joe’s proposal
This is a big pull, but cannot happen until the first two are taken care of.
What’s holding me back: This one will come naturally when the first two are cared for. I see this as a reward. Once I can get through the first two goals, this will be my gift to myself—the gift of a fantasy.
Strategy: This is not just a house. It’s freedom. It’s a lifestyle. I’ve been thinking for the past few days and might even consider living with someone. Jess wanted to live together.
More and more I’m realizing that I want to pursue a creative, abstract journey. Whether that’s in poetry, entertainment/media, performing arts, music, or philosophy I haven’t a clue. Definitely philosophy. Perhaps all. Have had recent fantasies of writing a movie script or song lyrics.
There’s been a steady flow of creativity to me these days, mostly focused on topics of fear, magic, and internal strength. A new adventure would refresh the content, but I’m enjoying this time in my life and substance. I have no desire to explore elsewhere as life is already full of beautiful explorative moments.
What’s holding me back: Money. I know I need to focus on generating income, and nurturing my creativity in an abstract way requires time and commitment to experience. As much as I’d love to, ultimately, create new colors and emotions and experiences through my creativity, I know I need to focus on other parts of me right now in order to have that in the future.
I realize that I place much attention on cherishing the childhood friends—so much so that I don’t make nearly as much room for new friendships. People like Kelly, Tuan, and Jess, Jason I will always love and I know deeply that I have a special place in their hearts as well. Friendships have historically been an area of neglect for me in terms of consistency. I definitely value quality over quantity.
Often times I find myself living in the past and future with relationships, focusing on past connection or future connection and completely missing what’s right in front of me. Need to give the simple relationships and relevant ones a chance. Not letting the fear of abandonment or rejection hold me back.
Emotional stability: This one is tough and deeply connected with mental stability.
Self-love: I’ve been getting closer to
Surrounding myself with the right people: With business and creation becoming more and more relevant, the importance of finding my circle has accelerated.
Areas of focus
Identify different sides of me. Make sure all the different sides of me are fed.
Identify different dreams and associate one person / thing with that dream.
Lifestyle / Luxury
Inspiration: Natty Style
Inspiration: The School of Life, Tina Roth Eisenberg, Compendium
Momentum / Movement
Creation / Power
Challenge the current ways, create something spectacular
Inspiration: Einstein, Elon Musk, Francisco D’ Anconias,
Inspiration: Genius movies, working with like-minded individuals
Poetry / Art
Inspiration: Nietzsche, Ralph Waldo Emerson, F. Scott. Fitzgerald,
Spirituality / Energy
Inspiration: Caroline McHugh
Pure Love / Happiness
Simplicity / Fun
Inspiration: Bucket list items
Learning / Exploration
Inspiration: Bucket list items
March 12, 2018
Yesterday I found out that my godfather was diagnosed with cancer, with only 6 months left in this life. This is particularly relevant in this Letter To Self for two reasons. One is because it heightens the deepest fears outlined in the following letter. And two is because he was the one who encouraged me to create greatness, not just live it. This was a long time ago—I was massaging his shoulders and telling him about the book that I was writing. While sharing with him some fears that the message of the book could be misinterpreted, and he warned me to never create something that would impact someone negatively. It was a matter of personal integrity, he said, “You’re destined to change the world someday. You have creation in you. Just make sure that whatever it is, it won’t hurt anyone.”
The beginning of this year came with some disappointing news, and it has only fed my deepest fears and paranoia. There’s this feeling, this fear of impending doom, this fear that I have so much in my life, I have so much to lose. The feeling that I don’t deserve everything I have; it feeds my need to control and obsess over the things that I do have. To hold on to everything I do have, and desperately try to hide it from the dangers of the universe. I wish there was a way for me to protect my loved ones. Whenever I have unwanted thoughts, I wish those upon myself. I beg the universe to please, if it must happen, to let it happen to me because I can bear it. And it gives me such comfort to wish it upon myself. Because I have so much already. No matter what happens to me, I’ve been given more in 24 years than centuries of societies have dreamt of. On most days, it seems that I feel more bliss in a day than some may in a year. I have been given so much in my life.
My Fears, My Predicament
But I don’t want to wish the worst for myself either. Growing up, I’ve had a few fears: the fear of losing a loved one, the fear of psychos, and the fear of being ordinary. And time and again, I always pray that I never have to face the first two, and I decide to sacrifice greatness each time. I’ve been making that pact since I was 5 or 6 years old.
That’s why I hold myself back from greatness. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realize this. WOW. I fear success because I have too much, and that is what I’m willing to sacrifice. I hold myself back subconsciously because I’m afraid to break a silent deal with the universe to sacrifice greatness to hold onto the extraordinary people I’ve been blessed with.
I know it may seem silly, but I feel like I’m playing with forces I can’t exactly understand. And for that reason, I must honor them to be at peace with myself.
But maybe the trick isn’t to give up greatness. Maybe there’s a trick to overcome the fear of psychos…
Maybe there’s a chance to revisit the pact and create a new one.
Taking a step back, what I’ve been focusing on in the past is deserving what I have, earning what I have. For this reason I sometimes will prioritize my loved ones, their needs—and when there’s a conflict of interest, I feel trapped—trapped in limbo. Creation is my nature, it’s in my DNA, and fighting it is one of the most challenging things ever.
I’ve been plagued with paranoia and deep fears that someone will take away a loved one from me. Perhaps these fears are coming back to me so strongly because I’m about to create something. I took the first step toward creation last year and everything I know is freaking out in fear that I might break the internal operating system.
So what am I willing to sacrifice? In order to understand this question, let’s explore some of the things I’ve been willing to sacrifice in the past: The biggest two I can think of are 1) Greatness and 2) True Love.
These are the two recurring ones.
Greatness: I tell myself that to keep my family safe and happy, I’m willing to give up all the things I’m destined to create. I will consistently suppress creation no matter how loud I’m screaming deep inside.
True Love: And as far as true love goes, I have made this pact on for two different reasons. One is for occasional creation.
This mind of mine, I feel that I owe it to this world to leave a part of me somewhere. As narcissistic as it sounds, I’ve felt this pull to create the unimaginable since my first conscious moment. And I’ve dismantled these feelings of grandeur in order to be more socially acceptable and “realistic,” but the truth of the matter is that creating something extraordinary seems more realistic to me than not creating anything. It feels so much easier to change the world than to step back and watch it move. Does that make me unbearably haughty?
More importantly though, is reason two. Growing up, all the attention was on me. My sister shared quite frequently that she felt as if she was forced to grow up in the shadows of greatness and perfection. There’s been this loud guilt within me, the guilt that people focused so much on my potential that that they neglected to see how magnificent my sister was. Not only that but the tough parts fell on her too. She had to share my burden; the family that resented me took it out on her whenever I wasn’t around. It’s this deep responsibility in me to give my sister what she deserved. What she deserves.
My sister saw this early life of mine, trying to balance the admiration and jealousy within the family, and how much one young girl affected the generation before ours. How much the politics from that generation affected our generation. She was still young when she told me for the first time that she didn’t want my life. “So many people are awaiting your fall,” she told me, “That’s not the kind of life I want. I just want to lead a simple life, to love and be loved, find the love of my life and start a beautiful family, pursue my dreams and live a fulfilled life.”
So the common miracles like finding true love, I wish for my sister. If one person was to have it, it should undoubtedly be her. She deserves it so much more than I do, and I have far too much already. Not only that, but she deserves happiness more than anyone I know.
I continuously feel that I can’t have so much in a lifetime. And when I find something that feels right, I often squander it, destroy it—for that very reason.
I’ve always thought that I choose what I’m bad at because I’m a perfectionist. Because I want to work on what I’m not good at. But maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what I’m good at. Cause then I won’t stop for anything. Cause then I’ll go all in. These days, the defiant side of me wants to play.
But I have this fear, this fear of breaking the internal system. And so what I’ve been doing instead is fueling other people’s projects. If I don’t end up creating something of my own, let me help other people shape their deepest dreams and fantasies. Perhaps dreams come true can be my greatest creation and message to the world.
To be clear, I don’t think I’m smarter than everyone else, that’s not it. I know people who are smarter than I am. It’s this innate force, this capacity to create that distinguishes me. Almost like it’s the only thing I know. And I hope for my sanity’s sake and for the sake of the people around me that I never think I’m smarter than everyone else. That mentality will only hinder creation and destroy what I stand for.
1. How do I overcome the fear of psychopathy? How do I release control? How do I defeat paranoia? How do I accept this world? How can I protect the world? How can I inspire the world?
I’d expect this to be a combination of living in the moment / accepting the now and learning to earn what I have.
Living in the moment is going to be a tough one for me. I’ve learned to enjoy the moment fairly well, but living in the moment requires that I surrender to it. Let me just say that surrendering yourself to the moment is much different from enjoying the moment / gratitude. It’s easy being able to feel grateful for something, and equally easy to close your eyes and feel joy for life. But to discard the outer world and truly understand a moment’s time and everything it stands for, that’s true wisdom I have yet to learn. What’s the secret formula?
Another thought is if I felt that I earned what I have, I won’t be so afraid that it would slip away unannounced in a moment’s time. A part of this could be understanding that I am giving to those around me. Keyword is in feeling like I earned something because the recognition of it is almost completely independent from the result.
I feel that I always have to apologize for who I am—for my feelings of grandeur, for my manipulation of environment, for my emotions, for my obsession, for my passion, for my dreams/idealism, for my brutal honesty, for my opinion, for my deep sadness, for my complexity, for my dramatic nature, for not wanting the things that some people want, for wanting more, for coming on too strong.
2. What am I willing to sacrifice? How can I make peace with myself and my fears? How do I free myself of these hardwired instincts, behaviors, and mentalities? The very ones that are so deeply embedded within me.
I suppose the answer and solution lives within the creation of a new pact. It’s time to update this pact, amend the contract. Perhaps one where I can create and accept love.
Last thing—I made the decision for hospice care before the rest of my family was ready. It’s been too many months of indecision. I hope they can forgive me.
March 13, 2018
Today I realized how deeply afraid Mommy was to lose Daddy. I woke up in the middle of the night last night around 3:30 and saw that both parents’ rooms were open. Half panicking, I checked Daddy’s room first to find no one in there, and then found my parents giggling together in Mommy’s room as Daddy as massaging Mommy’s foot.
Also today, I was helping shovel and needed to get the snow off the roof of the cars. I climbed on and made snow angels until there was no more snow, and watched the snow fall. It was magical.
Also, today would have been mine and G’s 3 year anniversary. We chatted for a few hours on the phone and talked about what went wrong how to be better for our next relationship. He suggested that I bring out infidelity in people—claims that he felt that he wasn’t enough, felt insecure…etc.
I haven’t really talked to M in the past few days, he’s been distant and to the best of my knowledge, busy with business (though he had many chances to text me and didn’t). He’s a difficult one to read, and his reserved and secretive nature makes me very nervous when it comes to trusting him. Yesterday he told me that I never had to hold back with him, and I hope that he never has to hold back with me. After chatting with G, I realized that more important than anything is transparency. When something is wrong or right, to be able to share that with a partner. Stories throughout the day, insecurities, feelings, hopes, dreams…etc. I wonder if I’ll have that with M, because he feels so far away on most days. I think continuously that it’s good for me, that it will combat my obsessive nature and allow me to explore other things and people, but I still want to have that transparency, honesty, trust.
More and more relevant to be is the accountability platform. Creating a platform for coaches to track their clients. And for clients to use to hold each other accountable to things. For peer coaching and mentorship as well. For example, I can have different accountability partners for different areas of life, but track them all in the same place.
March 14, 2018
Oh this love life of Hillary Wen. Isn’t it beautifully complicated? Of course it is complicated.
March 15, 2018
I’m emotionally drained every time G steps into my life. What he stands for is so beautiful and I want it, but it’s not what I need right now. It’s bad for me, it’s unhealthy. And I have something healthy, something good for me with M. I just don’t know if he’ll ever want the life I’ll eventually want. That’s not true, M does want the life that I want, and he’s able to create it with me while G was not. M is so incredible—I mean I don’t fully trust him yet but he makes me smile, he makes me feel more like myself. I see so much of myself in him, and he’s exactly what I’m looking for.
What M and I have is so natural, and what G and I have I created in my head out of manipulation and desire. I need to let go of my emotional baggage with G, and have him be a normal person to me. Is that even possible? Healthy? To give up the past for the present? Or should I let go for good and not be friends with him?
There’s so much possibility with M, so much alignment. No, that’s an understatement—it’s epic, spectacular, and powerful. I have absolutely no doubt that M is the one for me right now. I don’t know about the future, but I love what I have with him. It fuels me. Is it time to let go of my expectations for me and G? Is it time to unlearn all the things I taught myself? Can he stand for true love, and just not mine?
I mean truth is that I no longer want to share my days with G. I don’t think of waking up or falling asleep with him, I don’t think of eating dinner together. Sometimes I do miss our hugs and being weird together. But that idea of him being my true love is so deeply embedded in my mind and heart, how do I release myself, release us both from it? As beautiful as it made the relationship, G is no longer my present. And I am very happy with M. He frees me. Free is everything.
From now on, I must only be friends with G. No more lingering emotions. It’s not about giving all of myself to M, it’s about giving all of myself to me. And I am me around him. G appeals to my romantic side, my deep epic emotional sadness, but I have associated him with deep epic sadness. It’s not fair to him either. He deserves more than deep emotional epic sadness. I deserve more than deep emotional epic sadness. So moving on to the next theme: Adventures and dreams come true. Self-love…close…Giving all of me to myself. Freeing my highest self. That’s it.
That’s it—just made my wallpaper “Freeing the highest self”
So apparently some of M’s closest friends are going to the concert tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m a little nervous. All I have to do is free my highest self J
March 18, 2018
It’s March 18th, Banny’s birthday. Have officially known him for over a decade. We picked Hildy up to come home last night and I didn’t realize how much I missed her, and how blissful it feels to have her home. The family had so many beautiful moments, the simple things like eating in the same room, sitting in the same room as we tried to figure out how to work the new cable box. It was the most miraculous of feelings. Today, we’re eating hot pot and are all wearing dark green and black J What a beautiful family.
Last night Giovanni texted me and said that he saw Matt, and is feeing a depth of emotions he never experienced before. He’s going dark, and I don’t know how to help him. My first reaction was…what was Matt doing out? Who was he with? And almost immediately, I was reminded that that is not who I want to be. So I focused my attention back on Giovanni. He shouldn’t be going to be for help, but boy would I want to hold him through this. Not in any romantic way, but in a best friend type way. I want to hold him through the rough nights and tell him that he’ll find a way out. The other day he told me he was more afraid of not being with me than he was of going to jail, and it broke my heart. I asked him if that was what he wanted—if he wanted to fear that in hopes that he’ll break out of the depths that I helped create.
Giovanni just texted me and said that he needs to remove me from his life, that he may move soon in order to escape the memories and to avoid seeing Matt. Have I done something terribly wrong? Have we done something terribly wrong? How do I accept this situation that I’ve helped create? How do I make peace with what’s happening? I can’t help but wonder…is this all my fault? Have I created this nightmare?
March 30, 2018
I received a message from Shobhit this morning saying that the relationship wasn’t quite what he expected, and that he had thoughts of discontinuing. I felt a wave of panic as he was my greatest source of income. There were initial thoughts of insecurity—am I not good enough? What do I need to be more of? Why am I so bad at everything? Why can’t I do anything right?
I looked to my circle of advisors and heard a lot of positive feedback and encouragement. Some said that I have to fight for what I want, some told me it was about alignment, and that I should move on, especially if it’s not what I want anyway.
I’m feeling so terribly lost right now, unsure about what my future would look like.
March 22, 2018
I’m still getting over G and M’s still getting over his ex. She doesn’t even know about me yet, and he’s afraid she’ll find out. I don’t even know if his heart is here. I have to trust my gut and not throw my heart in there yet. See him as just a friend. My guard is up for a reason, and I know to trust my gut so that’s what I’m going to do. I just can’t, no matter how right it feels because he’s not the right person. I need someone who will be more present and thoughtful, more understanding and flexible. And well, he’s the type of person that will be gone in an instant.
On a completely separate note, Hildy is going through the phase with Noah where she doesn’t know if she should break up with him. She’s miserable and know deep in her heart that she needs a break, but is unsure of whether or not to do it. My heart hurts seeing her this way. I mean to be fair, my heart hurts regardless.
I feel like I’m suffocating here with M. I can’t move forward with him because I’m not ready and I don’t trust him. But I know I want to form a business with him and that he propels me. He’s good for me, just not emotionally. I just need to think of him as a good friend who I am emotionally and physically connected with. That would be much easier.
Every time Hildy sighs my heart hesitates. She had a dream that she had kids and realized from that dream how much she wanted children. She said she would have them now if she could if society permitted it, maybe move away like I wanted to. She’s so unhappy—unhappy in the relationship, unhappy with her lack of movement, unhappy at home in general. I don’t know what I can do for her. I used to think that I would just need to be happy, and that it would naturally seep into her life, which I believe is true to an extent. We are ultimately two very different people though.
On the bright side, momentum picked up after a visit to M’s. I was able to unload some emotions and then figure out what the next steps are. I’m on the same boat as I was last time. I’ll just have to reach out to companies and see how they’re innovating, keep building that personal brand. Tell companies what I want to do, and then ask them to give me a shot to introduce these programs and processes into their company. It will be a quick in and out—assessing the question and determining what initiatives come out of it, and lay the groundwork for internal communication / accountability programs. I could even ask David if he’s looking for something like that at NDR, I could work on a project there, especially since they’re short staffed on their HR team. Should be worth a shot, right? J
April 8, 2018
Today’s Matt’s birthday and when he asked me what I was looking forward to, I said alone time. I feel so guilty for saying it but didn’t mean it that way at all. What I meant was that I’m really happy with him because I don’t feel as guilty when I enjoy alone time. Perhaps?
I’ve spent the whole week with Matt, even working together throughout the day. It feels right, it feels natural. We stand for very similar things in life, and I’ve never felt so natural in a relationship before. Still, I have trouble being myself and being honest. Also, I think about G a lot—I think about true love, and I wonder if I just threw it away.
I asked myself this question the other day—given that true love and creation are amongst the more important things to me, would I give up one in order to pursue the other. In other words, if I had true love, would I give it up in order to pursue creation, or would I acknowledge how rare it is to have one and be content. The answer was apparent, I would give up true love to pursue creation. Perhaps creation is my true love. I trust Matt with my heart. I don’t know if he’ll fall for someone, but what’s important is that I’m falling for myself while I’m with him. I trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. I trust him to be the person I think he is.
I have the thought of inviting Matt to go all in with me—to approach this as if we were going to last forever. To live forever in the time that we are together. To value quality over quantity, to not expect forever, but live it now. Was very close to asking him last night, but didn’t want to freak him out on his birthday.
Then I thought about it again, and why make this emotional? I’m doing this mostly because I want to move on from G right? To truly give this my all and see where it goes…but do I really want that? Or should I let it happen naturally? Truth is, it already kinda feels like I’m living forever without the expectation of it. It’s such a natural, magnificent feeling.