June 30, 2018

The Endless Conversation

I just finished a difficult conversation and left it at a less than ideal state. The thing is, conversations like this never really end. There's no goal of the conversation, which seems strange as we're both solution-oriented people (maybe even a little too much). But neither of us had identified a specific outcome for the conversation. 

I then took a lovely walk around downtown Providence, which is magical by the way! It's exactly what I wanted for the weekend. The peace in the silence, the magic behind every corner. Walked into a little boutique shop and asked the owner for her story. She travels to NY for fashion shows and then shops to fill her collection with beautiful styles. WOW, what a job; what a life! What an inspiration! I felt myself come alive, felt the colors rushing through my body and realized--I've been so trapped in my own head, in my own body, in my own problems!

Returning to our original topic, we were either looking in the wrong places for answers, or we weren't asking the right questions to begin with. I believe it's a combination.

How can we ask better questions? 

How can we look in the right places?

June 25, 2018

Hi, I'm Hillary. I believe in alignment, magic, creation, and expansion, and am terrified of being a fraud. I'm hiding behind a child, from a child. 

I...I...I...

You see, the beginning of my life revolved around one single theme: The Gifted Child. Ever since I was a young gal, I've been told that I had this extraordinary capacity--adults in my family, teachers, peers, bosses, strangers with whom I shared a moment’s conversation…etc. And so at an early age, I promised the universe to do something extraordinary with my life. 

In my earlier days, my differentness caused chatter in my family, and I remember being instructed by a distant relative to stand strong in life because there were people waiting for me to fail. As a young gal, I felt isolated...isolated form my peers, isolated from the world, isolated from who I was. All I knew was that I had to do something magnificent with my life, and I had to guard this gift of mine, even if it was with elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt...etc. 

There was also a deep need within me to protect the people who believed in me. In a way, I was responsible for their word and faith. They didn't pressure me to become great. They believed in me, and that was so much more. (In fact, all my parents ever taught me to do was to use this gift of mine to follow my heart and build a simple, beautiful life). But The Gifted Child was everything I knew. 

She (the child) shaped me into who I am today. At a young age, she taught me to embrace my uniqueness. While other children were learning how to read time, she spent the majority of her time pondering the meaning of life. This child quickly grew impatient with the pace of life and boundaries of time, money, and such. She was to beat time, live outside of its boundaries. She was to live many lives at a time. And money? She was to create a new form of currency...The Gifted Child, she felt this unimaginable force within, this ability to see, feel, and understand things that no one else did. 

She...She...She...

Ah, The Gifted Child. She was my most powerful asset and my deepest hindrance, a gift and a curse. 

She had trouble connecting with people. She was afraid to be who she was, and afraid to disappoint the people who believed in her. And worst of all, She felt like a fraud. Constantly. She never felt like she was good enough. 

Elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt were just a few symptoms. The only time she felt at peace was while watching genius movies or reading Nietzsche, or Emerson, or Einstein...etc. That's still true to this day. 

So I suppressed her to the extent that I could. I rejected her. And she rejected me. 


I turned 25 this past weekend. I still haven't changed the course of history. 

At 25 years, I sit here battling the inner child within me. The one terrified to make mistakes and expose herself, mortified that they'd discover she was a fraud, and all the lies I've ever told to cover up the fact that she was just another gifted child who couldn't make it through the scopes of society. Let me explain...

They...They...They...

They pull out their telescopes to hunt me down. They capture me only to put me under a microscope. Had they looked through a kaleidoscope. They would have seen me. They would have realized that I'm everywhere. 

That we can't exist without each other. That we're a consequence of each other's thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That we live both for each other and from each other. That in this life of infinite love and change, all we're really looking for is alignment. 

Alignment with each other. Alignment with the universe. Alignment with ourselves deep within. 

Only after understanding that did my inner child put down her telescope. And microscope. 


I'm been afraid all my entire life, running from myself and hiding from that child, the unfamiliar power within. I wasn't afraid of disappointing everyone else. No, I was afraid of disappointing her. I never had a life away from her. In a way, she had pronounced me dead before I could take my first breath. 

But I took my first breath, and the breaths that followed were inhaled with intent to suppress her. I had a bag full of ammunition: telescopes, microscopes, periscopes...the same ones she had used against me. 

I wanted for so long to pronounce her dead. To break free of the chains that contained me. To unleash the me beyond her, and to show her that she was the only thing holding me back from coming alive. Put an end once and for all to elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt that she had caused by destroying her. 

But elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt is not the means to that solution. What I can do is pull out my kaleidoscope and invite her to do the same. 

Should we put an end to all this? 


Who pronounced you dead?
...What does alignment mean to you?

April 8, 2018

Today’s Matt’s birthday and when he asked me what I was looking forward to, I said alone time. I feel so guilty for saying it but didn’t mean it that way at all. What I meant was that I’m really happy with him because I don’t feel as guilty when I enjoy alone time. Perhaps?

I’ve spent the whole week with Matt, even working together throughout the day. It feels right, it feels natural. We stand for very similar things in life, and I’ve never felt so natural in a relationship before. Still, I have trouble being myself and being honest. Also, I think about G a lot—I think about true love, and I wonder if I just threw it away.

I asked myself this question the other day—given that true love and creation are amongst the more important things to me, would I give up one in order to pursue the other. In other words, if I had true love, would I give it up in order to pursue creation, or would I acknowledge how rare it is to have one and be content. The answer was apparent, I would give up true love to pursue creation. Perhaps creation is my true love. I trust Matt with my heart. I don’t know if he’ll fall for someone, but what’s important is that I’m falling for myself while I’m with him. I trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. I trust him to be the person I think he is.

I have the thought of inviting Matt to go all in with me—to approach this as if we were going to last forever. To live forever in the time that we are together. To value quality over quantity, to not expect forever, but live it now. Was very close to asking him last night, but didn’t want to freak him out on his birthday.

Then I thought about it again, and why make this emotional? I’m doing this mostly because I want to move on from G right? To truly give this my all and see where it goes…but do I really want that? Or should I let it happen naturally? Truth is, it already kinda feels like I’m living forever without the expectation of it. It’s such a natural, magnificent feeling.

 

March 11, 2018 - March 22, 2018

Accountability

 

6:22 wake up: H to message M upon wake up to confirm

Habit tracking: H to screenshot habits by midnight with tracking data to send to M

Not to-do: Watch Greys

 

What is missing in my life

 

It becomes more and more clear to me that expansion is at the very core of my current journey. So how to continue on this path of momentum and accelerate the slower parts as next step.

Financial stability:

This is clearly one of the greatest issues I face. Lack of financial stability holds me back not only from giving to others that I care about, but also pursuing certain core life dreams.

What’s holding me back: Lack of clarity on which project to focus on. Lack of commitment to dive all in, and lack of patience to wait for results.

Strategy is

This week: Strategy is to create list of 15 companies I want to work with and email them.

Parents’ retirement:

 Like financial stability, this is one of the bigger blockages. Without knowing that my parents are taken care of, I cannot move forward with certain vital pursuits.

What’s holding me back: Working with Deb is one of the most emotionally and mentally exhausting feelings I’ve ever experienced. I could fire her but that would cost close to 10K of my parents’ money without assurance it would go anywhere.

Strategy is to complete gate ASAP. This needs to be my number 1 priority because everything else depends on it.

This week: Deb to fix drawing and fire dept to stamp drawing, file variance request, review Joe’s proposal

Dream house:

This is a big pull, but cannot happen until the first two are taken care of.

What’s holding me back: This one will come naturally when the first two are cared for.  I see this as a reward. Once I can get through the first two goals, this will be my gift to myself—the gift of a fantasy.

Strategy: This is not just a house. It’s freedom. It’s a lifestyle. I’ve been thinking for the past few days and might even consider living with someone. Jess wanted to live together.

This week:

Nurturing creativity

More and more I’m realizing that I want to pursue a creative, abstract journey. Whether that’s in poetry, entertainment/media, performing arts, music, or philosophy I haven’t a clue. Definitely philosophy. Perhaps all. Have had recent fantasies of writing a movie script or song lyrics.  

There’s been a steady flow of creativity to me these days, mostly focused on topics of fear, magic, and internal strength. A new adventure would refresh the content, but I’m enjoying this time in my life and substance. I have no desire to explore elsewhere as life is already full of beautiful explorative moments.

What’s holding me back: Money. I know I need to focus on generating income, and nurturing my creativity in an abstract way requires time and commitment to experience. As much as I’d love to, ultimately, create new colors and emotions and experiences through my creativity, I know I need to focus on other parts of me right now in order to have that in the future.  

Better circle:

I realize that I place much attention on cherishing the childhood friends—so much so that I don’t make nearly as much room for new friendships. People like Kelly, Tuan, and Jess, Jason I will always love and I know deeply that I have a special place in their hearts as well. Friendships have historically been an area of neglect for me in terms of consistency. I definitely value quality over quantity.

Often times I find myself living in the past and future with relationships, focusing on past connection or future connection and completely missing what’s right in front of me. Need to give the simple relationships and relevant ones a chance. Not letting the fear of abandonment or rejection hold me back.

Emotional stability: This one is tough and deeply connected with mental stability.

Self-love: I’ve been getting closer to

Surrounding myself with the right people: With business and creation becoming more and more relevant, the importance of finding my circle has accelerated.

 

 

Areas of focus

 

Identify different sides of me. Make sure all the different sides of me are fed.

Identify different dreams and associate one person / thing with that dream.

 

Lifestyle / Luxury

              Inspiration: Natty Style

Inspiration: The School of Life, Tina Roth Eisenberg, Compendium

Momentum / Movement

Creation / Power

              Challenge the current ways, create something spectacular

              Inspiration: Einstein, Elon Musk, Francisco D’ Anconias,

Inspiration: Genius movies, working with like-minded individuals

Poetry / Art

              Inspiration: Nietzsche, Ralph Waldo Emerson, F. Scott. Fitzgerald,

Spirituality / Energy

              Inspiration: Caroline McHugh

Pure Love / Happiness

              Inspiration: Family,

Simplicity / Fun

              Inspiration: Bucket list items

Learning / Exploration

              Inspiration: Bucket list items

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 12, 2018

 

Background

 

Yesterday I found out that my godfather was diagnosed with cancer, with only 6 months left in this life. This is particularly relevant in this Letter To Self for two reasons. One is because it heightens the deepest fears outlined in the following letter. And two is because he was the one who encouraged me to create greatness, not just live it. This was a long time ago—I was massaging his shoulders and telling him about the book that I was writing. While sharing with him some fears that the message of the book could be misinterpreted, and he warned me to never create something that would impact someone negatively. It was a matter of personal integrity, he said, “You’re destined to change the world someday. You have creation in you. Just make sure that whatever it is, it won’t hurt anyone.”

The beginning of this year came with some disappointing news, and it has only fed my deepest fears and paranoia. There’s this feeling, this fear of impending doom, this fear that I have so much in my life, I have so much to lose. The feeling that I don’t deserve everything I have; it feeds my need to control and obsess over the things that I do have. To hold on to everything I do have, and desperately try to hide it from the dangers of the universe. I wish there was a way for me to protect my loved ones. Whenever I have unwanted thoughts, I wish those upon myself. I beg the universe to please, if it must happen, to let it happen to me because I can bear it. And it gives me such comfort to wish it upon myself. Because I have so much already. No matter what happens to me, I’ve been given more in 24 years than centuries of societies have dreamt of. On most days, it seems that I feel more bliss in a day than some may in a year. I have been given so much in my life.

 

My Fears, My Predicament

 

But I don’t want to wish the worst for myself either. Growing up, I’ve had a few fears: the fear of losing a loved one, the fear of psychos, and the fear of being ordinary. And time and again, I always pray that I never have to face the first two, and I decide to sacrifice greatness each time. I’ve been making that pact since I was 5 or 6 years old.

That’s why I hold myself back from greatness. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realize this. WOW. I fear success because I have too much, and that is what I’m willing to sacrifice. I hold myself back subconsciously because I’m afraid to break a silent deal with the universe to sacrifice greatness to hold onto the extraordinary people I’ve been blessed with. 

I know it may seem silly, but I feel like I’m playing with forces I can’t exactly understand. And for that reason, I must honor them to be at peace with myself.

But maybe the trick isn’t to give up greatness. Maybe there’s a trick to overcome the fear of psychos…

Maybe there’s a chance to revisit the pact and create a new one.

Taking a step back, what I’ve been focusing on in the past is deserving what I have, earning what I have. For this reason I sometimes will prioritize my loved ones, their needs—and when there’s a conflict of interest, I feel trapped—trapped in limbo. Creation is my nature, it’s in my DNA, and fighting it is one of the most challenging things ever.

I’ve been plagued with paranoia and deep fears that someone will take away a loved one from me. Perhaps these fears are coming back to me so strongly because I’m about to create something. I took the first step toward creation last year and everything I know is freaking out in fear that I might break the internal operating system.

Sacrifice

 

So what am I willing to sacrifice? In order to understand this question, let’s explore some of the things I’ve been willing to sacrifice in the past: The biggest two I can think of are 1) Greatness and 2) True Love.

These are the two recurring ones.

Greatness: I tell myself that to keep my family safe and happy, I’m willing to give up all the things I’m destined to create. I will consistently suppress creation no matter how loud I’m screaming deep inside.

True Love: And as far as true love goes, I have made this pact on for two different reasons. One is for occasional creation.

This mind of mine, I feel that I owe it to this world to leave a part of me somewhere. As narcissistic as it sounds, I’ve felt this pull to create the unimaginable since my first conscious moment. And I’ve dismantled these feelings of grandeur in order to be more socially acceptable and “realistic,” but the truth of the matter is that creating something extraordinary seems more realistic to me than not creating anything. It feels so much easier to change the world than to step back and watch it move. Does that make me unbearably haughty?

More importantly though, is reason two. Growing up, all the attention was on me. My sister shared quite frequently that she felt as if she was forced to grow up in the shadows of greatness and perfection. There’s been this loud guilt within me, the guilt that people focused so much on my potential that that they neglected to see how magnificent my sister was. Not only that but the tough parts fell on her too. She had to share my burden; the family that resented me took it out on her whenever I wasn’t around. It’s this deep responsibility in me to give my sister what she deserved. What she deserves.

My sister saw this early life of mine, trying to balance the admiration and jealousy within the family, and how much one young girl affected the generation before ours. How much the politics from that generation affected our generation. She was still young when she told me for the first time that she didn’t want my life. “So many people are awaiting your fall,” she told me, “That’s not the kind of life I want. I just want to lead a simple life, to love and be loved, find the love of my life and start a beautiful family, pursue my dreams and live a fulfilled life.”

So the common miracles like finding true love, I wish for my sister. If one person was to have it, it should undoubtedly be her. She deserves it so much more than I do, and I have far too much already. Not only that, but she deserves happiness more than anyone I know.

I continuously feel that I can’t have so much in a lifetime. And when I find something that feels right, I often squander it, destroy it—for that very reason.

 

Conclusion

 

I’ve always thought that I choose what I’m bad at because I’m a perfectionist. Because I want to work on what I’m not good at. But maybe it’s because I’m afraid of what I’m good at. Cause then I won’t stop for anything. Cause then I’ll go all in. These days, the defiant side of me wants to play.

But I have this fear, this fear of breaking the internal system. And so what I’ve been doing instead is fueling other people’s projects. If I don’t end up creating something of my own, let me help other people shape their deepest dreams and fantasies. Perhaps dreams come true can be my greatest creation and message to the world.  

To be clear, I don’t think I’m smarter than everyone else, that’s not it. I know people who are smarter than I am. It’s this innate force, this capacity to create that distinguishes me. Almost like it’s the only thing I know. And I hope for my sanity’s sake and for the sake of the people around me that I never think I’m smarter than everyone else. That mentality will only hinder creation and destroy what I stand for. 

 

Releasing Myself

 

1.        How do I overcome the fear of psychopathy? How do I release control? How do I defeat paranoia? How do I accept this world? How can I protect the world? How can I inspire the world?

I’d expect this to be a combination of living in the moment / accepting the now and learning to earn what I have.

Living in the moment is going to be a tough one for me. I’ve learned to enjoy the moment fairly well, but living in the moment requires that I surrender to it. Let me just say that surrendering yourself to the moment is much different from enjoying the moment / gratitude. It’s easy being able to feel grateful for something, and equally easy to close your eyes and feel joy for life. But to discard the outer world and truly understand a moment’s time and everything it stands for, that’s true wisdom I have yet to learn. What’s the secret formula? 

Another thought is if I felt that I earned what I have, I won’t be so afraid that it would slip away unannounced in a moment’s time. A part of this could be understanding that I am giving to those around me. Keyword is in feeling like I earned something because the recognition of it is almost completely independent from the result.

I feel that I always have to apologize for who I am—for my feelings of grandeur, for my manipulation of environment, for my emotions, for my obsession, for my passion, for my dreams/idealism, for my brutal honesty, for my opinion, for my deep sadness, for my complexity, for my dramatic nature, for not wanting the things that some people want, for wanting more, for coming on too strong.

2.       What am I willing to sacrifice? How can I make peace with myself and my fears? How do I free myself of these hardwired instincts, behaviors, and mentalities? The very ones that are so deeply embedded within me.

I suppose the answer and solution lives within the creation of a new pact. It’s time to update this pact, amend the contract. Perhaps one where I can create and accept love.  

 

Last thing—I made the decision for hospice care before the rest of my family was ready. It’s been too many months of indecision. I hope they can forgive me.

 

 

March 13, 2018

 

Today I realized how deeply afraid Mommy was to lose Daddy. I woke up in the middle of the night last night around 3:30 and saw that both parents’ rooms were open. Half panicking, I checked Daddy’s room first to find no one in there, and then found my parents giggling together in Mommy’s room as Daddy as massaging Mommy’s foot.

Also today, I was helping shovel and needed to get the snow off the roof of the cars. I climbed on and made snow angels until there was no more snow, and watched the snow fall. It was magical.

Also, today would have been mine and G’s 3 year anniversary. We chatted for a few hours on the phone and talked about what went wrong how to be better for our next relationship. He suggested that I bring out infidelity in people—claims that he felt that he wasn’t enough, felt insecure…etc.

I haven’t really talked to M in the past few days, he’s been distant and to the best of my knowledge, busy with business (though he had many chances to text me and didn’t). He’s a difficult one to read, and his reserved and secretive nature makes me very nervous when it comes to trusting him. Yesterday he told me that I never had to hold back with him, and I hope that he never has to hold back with me. After chatting with G, I realized that more important than anything is transparency. When something is wrong or right, to be able to share that with a partner. Stories throughout the day, insecurities, feelings, hopes, dreams…etc. I wonder if I’ll have that with M, because he feels so far away on most days. I think continuously that it’s good for me, that it will combat my obsessive nature and allow me to explore other things and people, but I still want to have that transparency, honesty, trust.

More and more relevant to be is the accountability platform. Creating a platform for coaches to track their clients. And for clients to use to hold each other accountable to things. For peer coaching and mentorship as well. For example, I can have different accountability partners for different areas of life, but track them all in the same place.

 

March 14, 2018

 

Oh this love life of Hillary Wen. Isn’t it beautifully complicated? Of course it is complicated.

 

March 15, 2018

 

I’m emotionally drained every time G steps into my life. What he stands for is so beautiful and I want it, but it’s not what I need right now. It’s bad for me, it’s unhealthy. And I have something healthy, something good for me with M. I just don’t know if he’ll ever want the life I’ll eventually want. That’s not true, M does want the life that I want, and he’s able to create it with me while G was not. M is so incredible—I mean I don’t fully trust him yet but he makes me smile, he makes me feel more like myself. I see so much of myself in him, and he’s exactly what I’m looking for.

What M and I have is so natural, and what G and I have I created in my head out of manipulation and desire. I need to let go of my emotional baggage with G, and have him be a normal person to me. Is that even possible? Healthy? To give up the past for the present? Or should I let go for good and not be friends with him?

There’s so much possibility with M, so much alignment. No, that’s an understatement—it’s epic, spectacular, and powerful. I have absolutely no doubt that M is the one for me right now. I don’t know about the future, but I love what I have with him. It fuels me. Is it time to let go of my expectations for me and G? Is it time to unlearn all the things I taught myself? Can he stand for true love, and just not mine?

I mean truth is that I no longer want to share my days with G. I don’t think of waking up or falling asleep with him, I don’t think of eating dinner together. Sometimes I do miss our hugs and being weird together. But that idea of him being my true love is so deeply embedded in my mind and heart, how do I release myself, release us both from it? As beautiful as it made the relationship, G is no longer my present. And I am very happy with M. He frees me. Free is everything.

From now on, I must only be friends with G. No more lingering emotions. It’s not about giving all of myself to M, it’s about giving all of myself to me. And I am me around him. G appeals to my romantic side, my deep epic emotional sadness, but I have associated him with deep epic sadness. It’s not fair to him either. He deserves more than deep emotional epic sadness. I deserve more than deep emotional epic sadness. So moving on to the next theme: Adventures and dreams come true. Self-love…close…Giving all of me to myself. Freeing my highest self. That’s it.

That’s it—just made my wallpaper “Freeing the highest self”

So apparently some of M’s closest friends are going to the concert tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m a little nervous. All I have to do is free my highest self J

 

 

March 18, 2018

 

It’s March 18th, Banny’s birthday. Have officially known him for over a decade. We picked Hildy up to come home last night and I didn’t realize how much I missed her, and how blissful it feels to have her home. The family had so many beautiful moments, the simple things like eating in the same room, sitting in the same room as we tried to figure out how to work the new cable box. It was the most miraculous of feelings. Today, we’re eating hot pot and are all wearing dark green and black J What a beautiful family.

Last night Giovanni texted me and said that he saw Matt, and is feeing a depth of emotions he never experienced before. He’s going dark, and I don’t know how to help him. My first reaction was…what was Matt doing out? Who was he with? And almost immediately, I was reminded that that is not who I want to be. So I focused my attention back on Giovanni. He shouldn’t be going to be for help, but boy would I want to hold him through this. Not in any romantic way, but in a best friend type way. I want to hold him through the rough nights and tell him that he’ll find a way out. The other day he told me he was more afraid of not being with me than he was of going to jail, and it broke my heart. I asked him if that was what he wanted—if he wanted to fear that in hopes that he’ll break out of the depths that I helped create.

Giovanni just texted me and said that he needs to remove me from his life, that he may move soon in order to escape the memories and to avoid seeing Matt. Have I done something terribly wrong? Have we done something terribly wrong? How do I accept this situation that I’ve helped create? How do I make peace with what’s happening? I can’t help but wonder…is this all my fault? Have I created this nightmare?

 

March 30, 2018

 

I received a message from Shobhit this morning saying that the relationship wasn’t quite what he expected, and that he had thoughts of discontinuing. I felt a wave of panic as he was my greatest source of income. There were initial thoughts of insecurity—am I not good enough? What do I need to be more of? Why am I so bad at everything? Why can’t I do anything right?

I looked to my circle of advisors and heard a lot of positive feedback and encouragement. Some said that I have to fight for what I want, some told me it was about alignment, and that I should move on, especially if it’s not what I want anyway.

I’m feeling so terribly lost right now, unsure about what my future would look like.

 

March 22, 2018

 

I’m still getting over G and M’s still getting over his ex. She doesn’t even know about me yet, and he’s afraid she’ll find out. I don’t even know if his heart is here. I have to trust my gut and not throw my heart in there yet. See him as just a friend. My guard is up for a reason, and I know to trust my gut so that’s what I’m going to do. I just can’t, no matter how right it feels because he’s not the right person. I need someone who will be more present and thoughtful, more understanding and flexible. And well, he’s the type of person that will be gone in an instant.

On a completely separate note, Hildy is going through the phase with Noah where she doesn’t know if she should break up with him. She’s miserable and know deep in her heart that she needs a break, but is unsure of whether or not to do it. My heart hurts seeing her this way. I mean to be fair, my heart hurts regardless.

I feel like I’m suffocating here with M. I can’t move forward with him because I’m not ready and I don’t trust him. But I know I want to form a business with him and that he propels me. He’s good for me, just not emotionally. I just need to think of him as a good friend who I am emotionally and physically connected with.  That would be much easier.

Every time Hildy sighs my heart hesitates. She had a dream that she had kids and realized from that dream how much she wanted children. She said she would have them now if she could if society permitted it, maybe move away like I wanted to. She’s so unhappy—unhappy in the relationship, unhappy with her lack of movement, unhappy at home in general. I don’t know what I can do for her. I used to think that I would just need to be happy, and that it would naturally seep into her life, which I believe is true to an extent. We are ultimately two very different people though.

On the bright side, momentum picked up after a visit to M’s. I was able to unload some emotions and then figure out what the next steps are. I’m on the same boat as I was last time. I’ll just have to reach out to companies and see how they’re innovating, keep building that personal brand. Tell companies what I want to do, and then ask them to give me a shot to introduce these programs and processes into their company. It will be a quick in and out—assessing the question and determining what initiatives come out of it, and lay the groundwork for internal communication / accountability programs. I could even ask David if he’s looking for something like that at NDR, I could work on a project there, especially since they’re short staffed on their HR team. Should be worth a shot, right? J

 

April 8, 2018

 

Today’s Matt’s birthday and when he asked me what I was looking forward to, I said alone time. I feel so guilty for saying it but didn’t mean it that way at all. What I meant was that I’m really happy with him because I don’t feel as guilty when I enjoy alone time. Perhaps?

I’ve spent the whole week with Matt, even working together throughout the day. It feels right, it feels natural. We stand for very similar things in life, and I’ve never felt so natural in a relationship before. Still, I have trouble being myself and being honest. Also, I think about G a lot—I think about true love, and I wonder if I just threw it away.

I asked myself this question the other day—given that true love and creation are amongst the more important things to me, would I give up one in order to pursue the other. In other words, if I had true love, would I give it up in order to pursue creation, or would I acknowledge how rare it is to have one and be content. The answer was apparent, I would give up true love to pursue creation. Perhaps creation is my true love. I trust Matt with my heart. I don’t know if he’ll fall for someone, but what’s important is that I’m falling for myself while I’m with him. I trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. I trust him to be the person I think he is.

I have the thought of inviting Matt to go all in with me—to approach this as if we were going to last forever. To live forever in the time that we are together. To value quality over quantity, to not expect forever, but live it now. Was very close to asking him last night, but didn’t want to freak him out on his birthday.

Then I thought about it again, and why make this emotional? I’m doing this mostly because I want to move on from G right? To truly give this my all and see where it goes…but do I really want that? Or should I let it happen naturally? Truth is, it already kinda feels like I’m living forever without the expectation of it. It’s such a natural, magnificent feeling.

 

Week: Dream Big, Tie Tight

This week is about allowing myself to dream and envision the future that is best fit for me, while also tying up loose ends and tying tie opportunities and blessings. Pulling the good things close and keeping the best things closer. 

What I see when I envision my future is lifestyle. I feel such a pull from natty Style's blog, and it's a pull of exploration and the luxury of freedom. But I do love having businesses on the side to do projects and keep myself hard. Other thing that took me forever to realize was that I want to create products that help people in their day to day lives, products that inspire and propel people. Another is that I want to change the world, and I'll need financial freedom and time to create things that will change the world. So Money is Key. Let's get into that mindset and attract some money. 

This week I'll be working on the product side of things, creating a journal/planner, creating a coaching routine, while also working on the Integrity Project and expanding Exhale Magic visibility. As far as WTA goes, I'll be reaching out to old clients and focusing on passive lead generation. WTA will not be my priority this week as it is not the fastest money maker and biggest priority. 

In terms of H-H, this will be a bigger priority as parents' retirement is becoming a greater and greater part of my life and priority. This week, I'll be submitting the appeal letter and also finalizing things with Deb.

And I will be hurt...

I had another bad dream. Thought of calling G. Hell, I even thought of calling C. Ended up texting M, turning on the light, and going back to sleep. It wasn't too difficult. What happens when I live alone and I have bad dreams?

I'm going to Jess' birthday party in 15 minutes. This time last year, G and I were having problems. We almost broke up, but we both knew we couldn't be apart. Truth is, this time last year, I was prepared to spend an unfulfilled life with him. 

And what about now? Well, I'm seeing M tonight and I have a few things to tel him. One is that perhaps WTA is not the route to go, but he and I both knew that.

Second is, well, slightly more emotional. Second is going to be that I want to want to start a family one day. I experienced a lot of rejection early in life, from family--aunts/uncles, cousins, classmates. I was always a little different, and everyone knew that before I did. I want to have a shot at a normal family. 

I fall in love for the experience, the adventure, the thrill, and to feel human. And truth is, I secretly wish that each one will be the one. But they continue to let me down with infidelity, begging the question, time and again, what is wrong with me? What am I missing? Am I too much, not enough? Do I bring out the infidelity in people? And ultimately, am I not meant to be with someone forever? And so time again, I decide that I'm only in it for the short story. But oh boy, wouldn't it be nice to be wrong? As terrifying (and quite frankly, impossible) as it sounds...

That's just the thing though, I hold onto the hope that there is a love for me. That there is a love that is powerful enough to hold two extraordinary souls together. One that rises above all. I'm not asking for that person or love to be him, but I ask him not to stand in the way of it. What I mean by that is a little more complicated. 

You see, he has a habit of jumping from one relationship to another. He identifies another option, and then leaves the current on in pursuit of the new. And with the rejection and the history of infidelity, I don't need one more person rejecting me, leaving me. I don't need someone else betraying my trust. Because I want to hold onto the hope that I still have. 

And so we are here. It's not about trust or the fear of getting hurt. I can handle the pain. A few tears, a few writing sessions, a little self manipulation and power off with the emotions and pain. I begin anew, reinvent myself, and explode in power. 

But there is time wasted. And I will be lost. And I will lose a little faith. And I will be hurt. 

Dream & Check In

Hildy and I saw M and his ex together. He introduced us. They were together for a while in the car talking. It was dark. I tried to look away. Heart felt lost, tangled. 

An hour later, I walked back and they were still in the car. Thought about saying goodbye but did not. Walked around for a few more hours until sunrise, occasionally glancing over.

Then Hildy and I drove off. We were driving uphill, and saw a girl chasing us with a knife in her hand. We had no windows/doors and I couldn't find the gas pedal. The girl was about 14 years of age--large, fierce, you could see pain in her eyes. She had suffered, she was cold, she couldn't feel. As the girl came closer and closer toward Hildy, I turned the car around, grabbed the blade with my hand, and screamed for Hildy to take control of the wheel and gas. Still, we weren't fast enough.

I jumped out of the car and knocked the knife out of the girl's hand. I then squeezed her hand and brought it toward me. Held her, squeezed her in my arms. Convinced her to let us help. We still had a long way to go, but I never let go of her as Hildy pushed the car up the hill. I also didn't know if she was still dangerous and feared she may hurt Hildy. On the way up, we found two stranded kids sitting under a tree. Hildy let them sit in the car as she continued pushing it uphill. 

When we finally arrived at the clinic, and assisted the girl in her search for a friend. She finally found the friend she was looking for, and confronted her about something. Came back looking thirty times more relaxed and peaceful. The kids found their friends as well, so Hildy and I left. Was still unsure about leaving the girl behind, but we did. 

Then I received a text from M saying that he had just arrived back home. He explained that he was feeling a little low after we hung out and needed an attention diversion, and texted a few fire emojis. Didn't know what it mean, or what to say.

Sat beside a stranger by the water and centered myself. It was now time to head to class. The class was led by an ex-military officer, abusive and sadistic. For hours, he deployed scare tactics and took advantage of our silence. (This was for an Elizabeth warren campaign). After a few hours, I simply couldn't take it. The media team was filming outside, and I stood up, grabbed a mic, and confronted the officer (it was a decent sized classroom). I kept taking small steps backward and asking him not to hurt me, not because I was terrified he would hurt me, but because it would drastically reduce the chance of him hurting me in front of an audience. My hands were up as if to surrender, but also prepared to defend myself at any given moment. My phone was recording the entire conflict.

After ten to fifteen minutes of this, Elizabeth Warren came in and I showed her the entire video. She seemed annoyed and didn't take any action against the classroom abuse, and I lost respect for her. She tried to talk over me, and I did not let her. End of dream.


In the beginning of the dream, I felt distraught, confused, helpless, and glad to have Hildy by my side. Second part, I felt scared, brave, powerful, compassionate, and felt a heart connection with the girl and stranded kids. Most importantly, I felt proud that Hildy took such great care of them and the situation. The third part I felt voiceless at first, felt rage, betrayal, followed by this unstoppable force fueled by a power of light. 


A few reasons for my dream...

1. Relationship insecurity triggered during early dinner with T. Updated him on romantic endeavors and he asked what top 3 reservations were. I replied:

  • Didn't respect my relationship
  • Didn't share details of relationship with me
  • Jumps from one relationship to another

By then it was very obvious to T, who said, "And you wonder why the guys you date end up cheating. There are clear signs, and you simply ignore them...He went on to describe his perception of these actions as:

  • Lack of respect
  • Cowardice 
  • Lack of commitment

While his arguments were completely valid and I shared these fears, I made my case. In the past two relationships, I told him, I actively sought out the ones who wouldn't lie or cheat. One was my best friend and the other was one of the kindest, most righteous souls I knew. They ended up betraying me the most, cutting the deepest. 

In my mind, every relationship is a gamble. I'm going to end up heartbroken, torn, and dysfunctional for months at a time anyway, so why not create an epic story? I've tried being careful, and maybe it's time to stop actively seeking the good hearts, and time to honor the connections that have naturally cultivated. Why not let nature run its course and share this time in my life with someone who I feel emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally connected with/to? 

T then said something that made me take a step back. He said...that's not fair to say. You can't say that we all have an equal chance of betraying your trust. If I were pursing you, I wouldn't want to be placed in the same tier as someone who clearly shows so many signs and raises so many red flags. Interesting...

Truth (and humorous part) is that T hurt me more than most of the guys I've dated. But that's a different story and an excellent transition...

2. T and I no longer have the connection we used to have. We don't share the same viewpoints, not future paths nor outlook in life. My connection to him lives only in the past and somewhat in the faith that the magic still lives in him. Obviously I love him, and will never stop caring about him. How does the person that you once felt the most aligned with turn into a complete stranger? He's one of the people I thought would always be by my side in life through all my milestones. Obviously I know he loves me and will always care about me and my family. But still, he felt like a stranger to me, and I felt like a stranger before him.

And so I must remind myself that we destroy things by trying to make them last forever.

He made me feel naive, unrealistic, hopeless. He, of all people, should know. I'm made of dreams. I'll never be hopeless. And realism has never been an issue for me. 


Thoughts on next steps with M

Dream obviously poses a challenge. I know enough to trust my instincts. If my gut says run, chances are that I know what I'm feeling. Back to the three reservations that I had

  • Didn't respect my relationship: I still see this as a huge character flaw and red flag, and goes against some of my core values. Lack of respect is not something I can live with
  • Didn't share details of his relationship: Can give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Sure, he doesn't share details of his relationship with many people. But even with someone he talks to everyday? Moving on, also means that he lingers for longer than he should in relationships. Hangs on to the relationship even when its dysfunctional. Why? Fear of being alone? Either way, he holds onto to one thing until he finds something better. Transition...
  • Asked about this last night during dinner and it seems that this is the third time he's jumped from one relationship to another, the times before were even shorter transitions. This is a lack of commitment. Suggests that when someone interesting comes by (in the future), he will nurture that relationship first until he is ready, and then will leave this to pursue it. It's a lack of focus and commitment. 

And so question becomes...when things get hard, do I want someone who will seek outward and run to someone else? Is that what I want to do, is that a type of relationship I want to be in?

I do trust the mental and spiritual side of him more, and I trust him as a person, but with my heart? From a completely transactional standpoint, the answer is simple. Is what we will create together, the potential, worth the pain that follows? If answer wasn't yes I wouldn't be talking to him anymore. BUT there are two other questions:

a. Is the potential for creation with him greater than the potential for creation alone + the creation time I will lose during the recovery + opportunity costs? (Recovery time is key in this one)

b. If he leaves me for someone else, that will make me feel worthless, less valuable. With my track record, I don't need someone else making me feel this way. My history of getting hurt and losing faith in relationships, I don't want anyone else to feed that insecurity. My nature is not insecurity, but it's also not to ignore data.


Final thoughts:

If I share these thoughts with him, then it may create a lot of negativity. A sense of distrust, judgment, and alienation. My fear isn't that it will bring him down one day, but that these thoughts will continue to surface his inner mind, feelings, and emotions. Also, this topic has been introduced time and again already. The agreement was to try to trust, which I've been doing an EXCELLENT job doing until yesterday. What's infinitely worse is that it will shift our focus from the mental to the emotional.

But as a sign of respect for the relationship and for him, not sharing these thoughts would be distasteful. Goes against the transparency I value. Either way, I will share this, I know that.

I don't want him to think that I see him as a bad person or with poor character. It just so happens that he has the qualities I fear most. 

Also, last thing I want is manifestation. Perhaps the identification and obsession feeds the transaction and outcome. 

Lastly, I tend to idealize and dream, but also have my moments of clarity and occasional check points to assess my journey and direction. This is merely one of them. There might be a lot of negativity in here, but it's only to balance all the positivity that I consistently carry. It's not at all meant as a signal to run or stop trusting, merely a series of questions and possibilities that my mind usually doesn't think about. Point is to live and love freely, beautifully, and purely with occasional check ins with reality to assess my progress and level of preparation for my truest self, dreams, values and purpose. 


I miss waking up with the sun tickling my body. Haven't felt that in a while. I also haven't fallen asleep to music/podcast in a while. And gliding through the streets with unstoppable force and momentum. You know the times when it feels like you've grown more in a year than most do in five? That's kinda how the past five months have felt. What I realize is that this persistent battle that's been tormenting my days and nights, it's okay. The past has given me the strength to trust that I'll make the right decision. And while [the recent event has] done what it's done, it's also opened my heart to possibility. My next step is to stop searching within for blame, to stop blaming myself for the actions of another. How to truly do that. To accept myself [for everything I am], and the growth [it's] gifted me. 

Sent this to M a few months ago, great reminder at this time. The fears and insecurities that I have are okay. Rather than viewing this as a standard relationship hiccup and letting the thoughts guide his mind into confusion and fog, I hope that we bear the strength and wisdom to view this as an opportunity to explore a human mind and learn about a story of insecurity. Like a history class. 

I know that the past has given me all the resources and wisdom to make the right decisions and love myself. After all, this is a self-love journey, isn't it? Makes me value this reality check-in that much more. How to stop comparing, to truly accept myself for the occasional mess that I'm slowly growing to adore. 

To use this insecurity to create something that much more beautiful, whatever it is.

So Lost

I'm feeling so lost without G. Listening to country and I miss the simple life. I miss the life we built together. I miss my heart next to his. I miss our love. 

Hildy asked me what I'd do if I was ready and he was in a relationship. I answered that it would then be my turn to wait for him. She then asked me what I'd do if he was married. I told her I'd then spend the rest of my life loving him from afar. 

Evening Epiphany & Morning Gratitude

Last night, M and I chatted for an hour and decided to pursue a "closed friendship." Unsure about the expectations involved with all this. I like the discomfort, but I must remember to say no or push for what I truly desire if it's not this. Can't be stuck, H.

Yesterday, I also received a message from G saying that when I'm ready, be it days or months or years, I can reach out to him. He may not be single then, but we can still be friends. 

This is one of those life direction periods of my life. What I decide to do during this time will decide the future and define me. Hildy's right. M has brought my closer to who I am, but he's also erased all of the beautiful things about me that I gained from G. 

G also said that a relationship cannot work if both parties are not in 100%. The severity of the truth is haunting me. I can't be with M 100% because my heart belongs to G. But I can't be with G because my spirit is with M. 

M is bringing me closer and closer to my true calling, and I know if I don't explore this energy I will spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have created. I've battled for so long, you must believe me. But I had to choose M for a few reasons. 1. I've been so hurt from G that I'm not ready to forgive 2. I'm not ready for the commitment that G is ready for. 3. M holds a secret to my future and I must honor that energy. 4. I'm becoming more of myself and that's terrifying but monumental. 5. M reminds me of the brother figure I always wanted. 6. M and I have more aligned paths at the moment. 6. G doesn't have the spiritual and mental depth and capacity that M has. 7. But M doesn't have the compassion and gentleness and stability that G has. 

I just feel that M is so far ahead of G in career and soul journey. His intensity is something I need in my life and I need to do what's best for me. The ugly and evil parts of me, M has opened. I don't know if I will like who I am, but I must give her a chance and stop fearing her. 

Otherwise, even if I am with G, I will always wonder about her, fear her, tip toe around her. Is it strange that I'm excited to share this whole experience with G? He's my life partner and we can't go through life together always, but my soul is connected to his. 

This morning, M texted me that I made number one on his gratitude list for 2018. All I could feel was guilt because this morning, I woke up and thanked the sun, then thanked the world for keeping Hildy, Mom, Dad, G, and Yvonne safe. 

I love you, whoever you are when you read this. I hope I'm doing the right things and making the right decisions because I really want to like you too. But whoever you are when you read this again, I love you. Please do things that I will respect. Please be honorable. 

Weekly Theme: Mind Full of Love

Background:

My friend and I were chatting about setting goals for the new year, and he introduced me to the lovely idea of adopting an annual theme. This idea deeply fascinated me, and given my current desire for agility, I decided to adopt weekly themes. This week's theme: A Mind Full of Love.


Glimpse of the week:

The choice of this week's theme was both simple and strategic for me. With H's birthday around the corner, I knew I wanted to focus all my energy and attention on her happiness. And a simple way to achieve that was to eliminate distractions of work. There was also an important meeting on Tuesday that I have spent years preparing for, and with the number of setbacks along the way, I knew I needed to approach it from a position of love and not work. 

This week felt amazing for me. With a steady rhythm of love and heart all week, I sensed a deeper connection beginning to develop between the mind and heart. And since I made the decision to open my heart, I've felt more in flow despite the increase in vulnerability. Other thoughts are that I'm more in tune with who I am in my natural state, along with some clarity on romantic desires--that the love truest to me at my core hold fewer attachments greater purity.

This week was mostly focused on H, but I felt that I was able to manage my time better on work as well, particularly on Monday. The theme of Mind Full of Love is extremely powerful and I want to explore it in the business realm. How to cultivate heart and love in my work. There's so much love and energy in me, and I'd like to find a way to channel the love into work. Perhaps that can be next week's theme. Baby steps. 

Having a theme really helps me focus on the right things. I also found some difficulty in finding my "one thing" for tomorrow.

Lastly, one area I want to work on is my patience with my Mom. Mom was retelling stories and I lashed out. H said to me that night that one day, we're going to miss all the stories and wish she was there to tell them one more time. 


Looking forward:

Next week's theme will be Building Bridges of Flow. This is a little more abstract and vague than I'd like to tackle in a week, but I see immense potential in it. It's about building connections with direction and power, and encouraging the connections to flow from one destination to another. 

One Thing: Next week I want to get my power coaching package out to various groups around Boston. My one thing for next week will be getting one person to sign up for a package. 

Other things to do next week: Find ways to build exploration/expansion into company cultures/processes whether through job design or through intercompany transfer/project collaboration programs. I'm feeling closer and closer every week. By the end of next week, I want to have a list of three different companies and propose ways to build exploration/expansion into their culture. Will take a lot of reading and podcasting, as well as a solid document to organize the ideas. In terms of how specific these proposals are, I want to leave it to the me this week to decide. My hope is that I will build a connection between my perfectionism and my desire to complete tasks. Or something bigger--between my passion and my flow at work. 

A good place to start today is to build a template for the proposal using excel. Next step after next week would be to change the website to reflect the new service and then start reaching out to the right people to find ways to build credibility, generate leads, and sell the package. 

January 4, 2017

If I were to die in two years, what would I do?

I'd take the first year to ensure financial and emotional stability for my family, and then the second year to release all fear and enjoy. 

I'd take the first year to create something in this world, meet the people who inspire me, create alongside remarkable people. Share thoughts, feelings, philosophies with brilliant minds. My the beauty in me shine and find the light in the beautiful people in this world. 

Learn to love the beautiful people I already have in my life. Learn to cultivate my ego.

Prioritize my time and do more meaningful things. Be more productive, and value my time. 

For the coaching projects, I really want to learn more about what draws people to others, and what pulls people to us. That book definitely stand out to me, about taking a step back and seeing what people find beautiful about you, the energy and substance that belongs only to you, and fall in love with that person. 

The second is about showing people that they can expand as long as they're willing to work for it. Let them work for it. There's this disruption that doesn't necessarily have to be there; if it doesn't belong then perhaps we can eliminate it. 

The third is because of the challenge. I want to see where it takes me. It's about potential. When you see potential in something, live and breathe that potential and never stop digging.

I also want to be a more confident version of myself. In many ways, I have taken steps toward that journey. I think that these three separate journeys will help with this confidence. 

In addition, I wonder if I can fit "The Third I" in here. This will be a personal project. Maybe I can connect with the people I work with and ask them if they'd be interested in joining me in this journey. 

December 31, 2017

We have separated, though he sleeps awaiting a response from me. 

His offer was freedom with a limitation at romance, which I refused. I told him yesterday that I didn't need romance with anyone else and you should have seen how happy it made it. He told me he wasn't fragile. 

You should have seen how happy it made him and how hopeful he was. I feel sick. 

I feel sick because I did some chakra alignment meditation today and opened up my heart chakra. My heart wide open and I remember all the beautiful memories. All I ever wanted was to find that one person, that person who you never let go of. The person that stands the through wind and rain. A life partner who holds you through the nights and makes you feel like you're not alone in this world. The feeling of home. The feeling that everything is okay, and you can relax and be you. Because you know that no matter what happens, he will always stand beside you. Have I found him? 

December 20, 2017

I don't know how I got here. The past few months have been so numb, and it all happened so quickly. I tried so hard to be who I could be, and I constantly reminded myself that I could be better without hurting him. That I could move forward without stepping back. 

Truth is, I am not as strong as I thought I could be. I hurt someone who loved me. And now, I've possibly lost the love of my life. I can't forgive myself, and I never will. Every time I think about what I did, my breath challenges me.

How did I get here? What would make me desperate enough to do something so extreme? I ask myself this again and again. I was so hurt. Every time I looked at Giovanni all I could see was betrayal. I was cold. I was broken. I was gone. And he kept saying that if I cheated on him, he would forgive me. So I wanted a new beginning. I needed something to end this story so we could move on with the next one. I kept hinting it to him, I kept asking for confirmation that we could move forward if it happened, I kept stopping myself from doing it, I kept my distance from him and the relationship. I asked for a break and a few weeks later, I did it. I did what I thought would end this story of dry and dysfunctional pain for me. And now I live with guilt. Now I live with not knowing who I am and what I stand for. 

December 19, 2017

I find myself listening to the same song I replayed everyday when I discovered the infidelity. And almost unaware, I was on the Facebook page of the woman he was in pursuit of. These months have weighed down on me, and I've forgotten how comfortable it was to come home to someone and truly feel safe. And only now, possibly near the end, I find myself reminded of the little things that made me smile in the past. I've felt so little in the past, and it often reminds me of my high school relationship. So many parallels. Wow. Mindblowingly, earth-shatteringly so. 

My soul's been in a zombie state for the past 6 months. I've felt so little. I've been so small. 

A part of me wants to show up unannounced and hug him. Squeeze him, tell him that I'm hurt too. That I've been hurting, and that it won't stop. No, I wouldn't do that. He's hurting. He's hurting and hurting. It will be dry. It will be long. It won't feel like anything for months. Years even. What could possibly make me do something like this to a person I love? If I could take it back and live in misery, I would. I'd take it back. I am sorry. 

What does the future look like?

I wish I could tell him that 

December 19, 2017

Just got off the phone with Matthew, and he spoke the words of my spirit. He said that what started off as innocent and high energy evolved into guilt and comfort. The moment he said that, I felt a sense of sadness, followed by a wave of gratitude. I've been off the phone for him for about a minutes and I'm feeling like I'm breathing for the first time. 

Why did it take action from him for me to face it? Why couldn't I build strength and courage like his and follow my spirit? What's holding me back? 


Problem is, I lied to Giovanni. I lied about what happened that night. And I'll never forgive myself if I'm with him. And he'll never forgive me. 

But we've begun a new story. Should the old me keep the lie? No, I couldn't never forgive myself. I'm better than that. 


I just sent him a photo of this last piece. No idea what will happen next. I'm trembling. I thought I'd feel relief, and maybe I do, but whatever I feel is completely masked by fear and anticipation. 

December 18, 2017

Last night Giovanni gave me a choice. He said as long as I wasn't feeling or doing anything romantic or sexual, he would be okay with whatever exploration I wanted. I said no. Partly because I was hurt, and a little bit because of other things.

I did a terrible thing. I left Matthew's house and drove to Giovanni's about three blocks away. 

This was yesterday. 

Giovanni & I spent a beautiful day together and agreed that we would break up and potentially date again as new people. Begin a new short story. 

And well, Matthew and I took a walk today. He expressed his discomfort with the fact that I left his place to sleep with someone else. For someone who is afraid of loneliness, how could I be so insensitive.

And to Giovanni, it's difficult to feel remorse, and even so, I feel tons. Tons and tons weighing down on me. What do I do?

I know I put myself in this situation to force myself to make a decision because otherwise I could drag this on for far too long. 

What am I feeling? I feel so much vulnerability, so exposed after the conversation. 

Also, Happy Birthday Oppa.

December 11, 2017: Meditation Answers Through A Dream

Early morning, a meta-learning class. Fancy, eh?


Two men with wolf bones [pretending to be dead wolves] attempt to harass a girl. (The girl appears to be searching for something in the mountains). During her escape, a pack of wolves come to her rescue, sending off the two young men. She then finds herself surrounded by wolves, with no plan and a screeching, almost deafening anxiety. The anxiety heightens with every passing moment, and her mind searches deep within for an answer. In that moment, her mind releases the answer, and she transform into a dragon. While the first two moments felt empowering, the girl [now dragon] soon finds her large figure and infinite capacity tiring.As powerful and magical as the dragon was, it didn't allow her the freedom to soar, the lightness and speed to explore. And so she transformed into a hawk. She was free, but she was small. So she changed again. Dragon. Hawk. Dragon. Hawk. Dragon. Hawk...it went on and on until the two animals became one. Before she could grasp the magic, the animal exploded and the little girl fell from the sky, again landing on the wolves. 

That was when she realized what the wolves meant. They symbolized instinct, intuition. It was the magnitude of instinct and intuition that overwhelmed her. 

There were two people trying to help her. One was form the past, and the other form the present. 

Many times the mind kept battling between continuing the story and waking up. The girl tried to wake me up, but my mind wanted to continue. At least five times as the girl was trying to wake me up, the mind said, "Not now. Not yet. The story is still unfinished. There's more." And I would fall back into deep sleep. And then again. Torn between lucid and deep sleep. 

Finally, I woke up.


The little girl was a part of me. I was my own guardian angel watching over myself.  The wolves symbolized instinct. That's what my mind wanted me to know. 

The two guys, they were G & M. One from the past, one from the future, both trying to help me, but at the same time, both harassing my instinct & intuition. 

I'm overwhelmed by the capacity of my own instinct and intuition. Constantly. I avoid it. And yesterday when I meditated for the first time in a long time, I opened up my mind. I gave it control. 

My three animals: Dragon (Majestic, All-Powerful, Magical); Wolf (Fierce, Sexy, Loyal/Lone); Hawk (Divine, All-Knowing, Free). I always knew that something was missing from the wolf. I never knew what it was. It was instinct, intuition. Something was missing because I didn't capture the essence. --First animal is who you strive to become, second is how others perceive you, and third is who you truly are. 

In the dream the girl couldn't choose between dragon and hawk, and ended up exploding and falling back into the pack of wolves. In the same way, I fight the constant struggle between who I want to become, and who I truly am. Over and over again, everyday, always without a clear winner. What happens when I don't choose? I fall into how others perceive me. I'm defined by others' perspective. 


Also, I jump started the car battery. Then I saw G. Then I saw M. Then I went home. Tomorrow's going to be a beautiful day.