December 11, 2017: Meditation Answers Through A Dream

Early morning, a meta-learning class. Fancy, eh?

Two men with wolf bones [pretending to be dead wolves] attempt to harass a girl. (The girl appears to be searching for something in the mountains). During her escape, a pack of wolves come to her rescue, sending off the two young men. She then finds herself surrounded by wolves, with no plan and a screeching, almost deafening anxiety. The anxiety heightens with every passing moment, and her mind searches deep within for an answer. In that moment, her mind releases the answer, and she transform into a dragon. While the first two moments felt empowering, the girl [now dragon] soon finds her large figure and infinite capacity tiring.As powerful and magical as the dragon was, it didn't allow her the freedom to soar, the lightness and speed to explore. And so she transformed into a hawk. She was free, but she was small. So she changed again. Dragon. Hawk. Dragon. Hawk. Dragon. went on and on until the two animals became one. Before she could grasp the magic, the animal exploded and the little girl fell from the sky, again landing on the wolves. 

That was when she realized what the wolves meant. They symbolized instinct, intuition. It was the magnitude of instinct and intuition that overwhelmed her. 

There were two people trying to help her. One was form the past, and the other form the present. 

Many times the mind kept battling between continuing the story and waking up. The girl tried to wake me up, but my mind wanted to continue. At least five times as the girl was trying to wake me up, the mind said, "Not now. Not yet. The story is still unfinished. There's more." And I would fall back into deep sleep. And then again. Torn between lucid and deep sleep. 

Finally, I woke up.

The little girl was a part of me. I was my own guardian angel watching over myself.  The wolves symbolized instinct. That's what my mind wanted me to know. 

The two guys, they were G & M. One from the past, one from the future, both trying to help me, but at the same time, both harassing my instinct & intuition. 

I'm overwhelmed by the capacity of my own instinct and intuition. Constantly. I avoid it. And yesterday when I meditated for the first time in a long time, I opened up my mind. I gave it control. 

My three animals: Dragon (Majestic, All-Powerful, Magical); Wolf (Fierce, Sexy, Loyal/Lone); Hawk (Divine, All-Knowing, Free). I always knew that something was missing from the wolf. I never knew what it was. It was instinct, intuition. Something was missing because I didn't capture the essence. --First animal is who you strive to become, second is how others perceive you, and third is who you truly are. 

In the dream the girl couldn't choose between dragon and hawk, and ended up exploding and falling back into the pack of wolves. In the same way, I fight the constant struggle between who I want to become, and who I truly am. Over and over again, everyday, always without a clear winner. What happens when I don't choose? I fall into how others perceive me. I'm defined by others' perspective. 

Also, I jump started the car battery. Then I saw G. Then I saw M. Then I went home. Tomorrow's going to be a beautiful day.