December 18, 2017

Last night Giovanni gave me a choice. He said as long as I wasn't feeling or doing anything romantic or sexual, he would be okay with whatever exploration I wanted. I said no. Partly because I was hurt, and a little bit because of other things.

I did a terrible thing. I left Matthew's house and drove to Giovanni's about three blocks away. 

This was yesterday. 

Giovanni & I spent a beautiful day together and agreed that we would break up and potentially date again as new people. Begin a new short story. 

And well, Matthew and I took a walk today. He expressed his discomfort with the fact that I left his place to sleep with someone else. For someone who is afraid of loneliness, how could I be so insensitive.

And to Giovanni, it's difficult to feel remorse, and even so, I feel tons. Tons and tons weighing down on me. What do I do?

I know I put myself in this situation to force myself to make a decision because otherwise I could drag this on for far too long. 

What am I feeling? I feel so much vulnerability, so exposed after the conversation. 

Also, Happy Birthday Oppa.