December 19, 2017

Just got off the phone with Matthew, and he spoke the words of my spirit. He said that what started off as innocent and high energy evolved into guilt and comfort. The moment he said that, I felt a sense of sadness, followed by a wave of gratitude. I've been off the phone for him for about a minutes and I'm feeling like I'm breathing for the first time. 

Why did it take action from him for me to face it? Why couldn't I build strength and courage like his and follow my spirit? What's holding me back? 

Problem is, I lied to Giovanni. I lied about what happened that night. And I'll never forgive myself if I'm with him. And he'll never forgive me. 

But we've begun a new story. Should the old me keep the lie? No, I couldn't never forgive myself. I'm better than that. 

I just sent him a photo of this last piece. No idea what will happen next. I'm trembling. I thought I'd feel relief, and maybe I do, but whatever I feel is completely masked by fear and anticipation.