December 19, 2017

I find myself listening to the same song I replayed everyday when I discovered the infidelity. And almost unaware, I was on the Facebook page of the woman he was in pursuit of. These months have weighed down on me, and I've forgotten how comfortable it was to come home to someone and truly feel safe. And only now, possibly near the end, I find myself reminded of the little things that made me smile in the past. I've felt so little in the past, and it often reminds me of my high school relationship. So many parallels. Wow. Mindblowingly, earth-shatteringly so. 

My soul's been in a zombie state for the past 6 months. I've felt so little. I've been so small. 

A part of me wants to show up unannounced and hug him. Squeeze him, tell him that I'm hurt too. That I've been hurting, and that it won't stop. No, I wouldn't do that. He's hurting. He's hurting and hurting. It will be dry. It will be long. It won't feel like anything for months. Years even. What could possibly make me do something like this to a person I love? If I could take it back and live in misery, I would. I'd take it back. I am sorry. 

What does the future look like?

I wish I could tell him that