December 20, 2017

I don't know how I got here. The past few months have been so numb, and it all happened so quickly. I tried so hard to be who I could be, and I constantly reminded myself that I could be better without hurting him. That I could move forward without stepping back. 

Truth is, I am not as strong as I thought I could be. I hurt someone who loved me. And now, I've possibly lost the love of my life. I can't forgive myself, and I never will. Every time I think about what I did, my breath challenges me.

How did I get here? What would make me desperate enough to do something so extreme? I ask myself this again and again. I was so hurt. Every time I looked at Giovanni all I could see was betrayal. I was cold. I was broken. I was gone. And he kept saying that if I cheated on him, he would forgive me. So I wanted a new beginning. I needed something to end this story so we could move on with the next one. I kept hinting it to him, I kept asking for confirmation that we could move forward if it happened, I kept stopping myself from doing it, I kept my distance from him and the relationship. I asked for a break and a few weeks later, I did it. I did what I thought would end this story of dry and dysfunctional pain for me. And now I live with guilt. Now I live with not knowing who I am and what I stand for.