Evening Epiphany & Morning Gratitude

Last night, M and I chatted for an hour and decided to pursue a "closed friendship." Unsure about the expectations involved with all this. I like the discomfort, but I must remember to say no or push for what I truly desire if it's not this. Can't be stuck, H.

Yesterday, I also received a message from G saying that when I'm ready, be it days or months or years, I can reach out to him. He may not be single then, but we can still be friends. 

This is one of those life direction periods of my life. What I decide to do during this time will decide the future and define me. Hildy's right. M has brought my closer to who I am, but he's also erased all of the beautiful things about me that I gained from G. 

G also said that a relationship cannot work if both parties are not in 100%. The severity of the truth is haunting me. I can't be with M 100% because my heart belongs to G. But I can't be with G because my spirit is with M. 

M is bringing me closer and closer to my true calling, and I know if I don't explore this energy I will spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have created. I've battled for so long, you must believe me. But I had to choose M for a few reasons. 1. I've been so hurt from G that I'm not ready to forgive 2. I'm not ready for the commitment that G is ready for. 3. M holds a secret to my future and I must honor that energy. 4. I'm becoming more of myself and that's terrifying but monumental. 5. M reminds me of the brother figure I always wanted. 6. M and I have more aligned paths at the moment. 6. G doesn't have the spiritual and mental depth and capacity that M has. 7. But M doesn't have the compassion and gentleness and stability that G has. 

I just feel that M is so far ahead of G in career and soul journey. His intensity is something I need in my life and I need to do what's best for me. The ugly and evil parts of me, M has opened. I don't know if I will like who I am, but I must give her a chance and stop fearing her. 

Otherwise, even if I am with G, I will always wonder about her, fear her, tip toe around her. Is it strange that I'm excited to share this whole experience with G? He's my life partner and we can't go through life together always, but my soul is connected to his. 

This morning, M texted me that I made number one on his gratitude list for 2018. All I could feel was guilt because this morning, I woke up and thanked the sun, then thanked the world for keeping Hildy, Mom, Dad, G, and Yvonne safe. 

I love you, whoever you are when you read this. I hope I'm doing the right things and making the right decisions because I really want to like you too. But whoever you are when you read this again, I love you. Please do things that I will respect. Please be honorable.