Dream & Check In

Hildy and I saw M and his ex together. He introduced us. They were together for a while in the car talking. It was dark. I tried to look away. Heart felt lost, tangled. 

An hour later, I walked back and they were still in the car. Thought about saying goodbye but did not. Walked around for a few more hours until sunrise, occasionally glancing over.

Then Hildy and I drove off. We were driving uphill, and saw a girl chasing us with a knife in her hand. We had no windows/doors and I couldn't find the gas pedal. The girl was about 14 years of age--large, fierce, you could see pain in her eyes. She had suffered, she was cold, she couldn't feel. As the girl came closer and closer toward Hildy, I turned the car around, grabbed the blade with my hand, and screamed for Hildy to take control of the wheel and gas. Still, we weren't fast enough.

I jumped out of the car and knocked the knife out of the girl's hand. I then squeezed her hand and brought it toward me. Held her, squeezed her in my arms. Convinced her to let us help. We still had a long way to go, but I never let go of her as Hildy pushed the car up the hill. I also didn't know if she was still dangerous and feared she may hurt Hildy. On the way up, we found two stranded kids sitting under a tree. Hildy let them sit in the car as she continued pushing it uphill. 

When we finally arrived at the clinic, and assisted the girl in her search for a friend. She finally found the friend she was looking for, and confronted her about something. Came back looking thirty times more relaxed and peaceful. The kids found their friends as well, so Hildy and I left. Was still unsure about leaving the girl behind, but we did. 

Then I received a text from M saying that he had just arrived back home. He explained that he was feeling a little low after we hung out and needed an attention diversion, and texted a few fire emojis. Didn't know what it mean, or what to say.

Sat beside a stranger by the water and centered myself. It was now time to head to class. The class was led by an ex-military officer, abusive and sadistic. For hours, he deployed scare tactics and took advantage of our silence. (This was for an Elizabeth warren campaign). After a few hours, I simply couldn't take it. The media team was filming outside, and I stood up, grabbed a mic, and confronted the officer (it was a decent sized classroom). I kept taking small steps backward and asking him not to hurt me, not because I was terrified he would hurt me, but because it would drastically reduce the chance of him hurting me in front of an audience. My hands were up as if to surrender, but also prepared to defend myself at any given moment. My phone was recording the entire conflict.

After ten to fifteen minutes of this, Elizabeth Warren came in and I showed her the entire video. She seemed annoyed and didn't take any action against the classroom abuse, and I lost respect for her. She tried to talk over me, and I did not let her. End of dream.

In the beginning of the dream, I felt distraught, confused, helpless, and glad to have Hildy by my side. Second part, I felt scared, brave, powerful, compassionate, and felt a heart connection with the girl and stranded kids. Most importantly, I felt proud that Hildy took such great care of them and the situation. The third part I felt voiceless at first, felt rage, betrayal, followed by this unstoppable force fueled by a power of light. 

A few reasons for my dream...

1. Relationship insecurity triggered during early dinner with T. Updated him on romantic endeavors and he asked what top 3 reservations were. I replied:

  • Didn't respect my relationship
  • Didn't share details of relationship with me
  • Jumps from one relationship to another

By then it was very obvious to T, who said, "And you wonder why the guys you date end up cheating. There are clear signs, and you simply ignore them...He went on to describe his perception of these actions as:

  • Lack of respect
  • Cowardice 
  • Lack of commitment

While his arguments were completely valid and I shared these fears, I made my case. In the past two relationships, I told him, I actively sought out the ones who wouldn't lie or cheat. One was my best friend and the other was one of the kindest, most righteous souls I knew. They ended up betraying me the most, cutting the deepest. 

In my mind, every relationship is a gamble. I'm going to end up heartbroken, torn, and dysfunctional for months at a time anyway, so why not create an epic story? I've tried being careful, and maybe it's time to stop actively seeking the good hearts, and time to honor the connections that have naturally cultivated. Why not let nature run its course and share this time in my life with someone who I feel emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally connected with/to? 

T then said something that made me take a step back. He said...that's not fair to say. You can't say that we all have an equal chance of betraying your trust. If I were pursing you, I wouldn't want to be placed in the same tier as someone who clearly shows so many signs and raises so many red flags. Interesting...

Truth (and humorous part) is that T hurt me more than most of the guys I've dated. But that's a different story and an excellent transition...

2. T and I no longer have the connection we used to have. We don't share the same viewpoints, not future paths nor outlook in life. My connection to him lives only in the past and somewhat in the faith that the magic still lives in him. Obviously I love him, and will never stop caring about him. How does the person that you once felt the most aligned with turn into a complete stranger? He's one of the people I thought would always be by my side in life through all my milestones. Obviously I know he loves me and will always care about me and my family. But still, he felt like a stranger to me, and I felt like a stranger before him.

And so I must remind myself that we destroy things by trying to make them last forever.

He made me feel naive, unrealistic, hopeless. He, of all people, should know. I'm made of dreams. I'll never be hopeless. And realism has never been an issue for me. 

Thoughts on next steps with M

Dream obviously poses a challenge. I know enough to trust my instincts. If my gut says run, chances are that I know what I'm feeling. Back to the three reservations that I had

  • Didn't respect my relationship: I still see this as a huge character flaw and red flag, and goes against some of my core values. Lack of respect is not something I can live with
  • Didn't share details of his relationship: Can give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Sure, he doesn't share details of his relationship with many people. But even with someone he talks to everyday? Moving on, also means that he lingers for longer than he should in relationships. Hangs on to the relationship even when its dysfunctional. Why? Fear of being alone? Either way, he holds onto to one thing until he finds something better. Transition...
  • Asked about this last night during dinner and it seems that this is the third time he's jumped from one relationship to another, the times before were even shorter transitions. This is a lack of commitment. Suggests that when someone interesting comes by (in the future), he will nurture that relationship first until he is ready, and then will leave this to pursue it. It's a lack of focus and commitment. 

And so question becomes...when things get hard, do I want someone who will seek outward and run to someone else? Is that what I want to do, is that a type of relationship I want to be in?

I do trust the mental and spiritual side of him more, and I trust him as a person, but with my heart? From a completely transactional standpoint, the answer is simple. Is what we will create together, the potential, worth the pain that follows? If answer wasn't yes I wouldn't be talking to him anymore. BUT there are two other questions:

a. Is the potential for creation with him greater than the potential for creation alone + the creation time I will lose during the recovery + opportunity costs? (Recovery time is key in this one)

b. If he leaves me for someone else, that will make me feel worthless, less valuable. With my track record, I don't need someone else making me feel this way. My history of getting hurt and losing faith in relationships, I don't want anyone else to feed that insecurity. My nature is not insecurity, but it's also not to ignore data.

Final thoughts:

If I share these thoughts with him, then it may create a lot of negativity. A sense of distrust, judgment, and alienation. My fear isn't that it will bring him down one day, but that these thoughts will continue to surface his inner mind, feelings, and emotions. Also, this topic has been introduced time and again already. The agreement was to try to trust, which I've been doing an EXCELLENT job doing until yesterday. What's infinitely worse is that it will shift our focus from the mental to the emotional.

But as a sign of respect for the relationship and for him, not sharing these thoughts would be distasteful. Goes against the transparency I value. Either way, I will share this, I know that.

I don't want him to think that I see him as a bad person or with poor character. It just so happens that he has the qualities I fear most. 

Also, last thing I want is manifestation. Perhaps the identification and obsession feeds the transaction and outcome. 

Lastly, I tend to idealize and dream, but also have my moments of clarity and occasional check points to assess my journey and direction. This is merely one of them. There might be a lot of negativity in here, but it's only to balance all the positivity that I consistently carry. It's not at all meant as a signal to run or stop trusting, merely a series of questions and possibilities that my mind usually doesn't think about. Point is to live and love freely, beautifully, and purely with occasional check ins with reality to assess my progress and level of preparation for my truest self, dreams, values and purpose. 

I miss waking up with the sun tickling my body. Haven't felt that in a while. I also haven't fallen asleep to music/podcast in a while. And gliding through the streets with unstoppable force and momentum. You know the times when it feels like you've grown more in a year than most do in five? That's kinda how the past five months have felt. What I realize is that this persistent battle that's been tormenting my days and nights, it's okay. The past has given me the strength to trust that I'll make the right decision. And while [the recent event has] done what it's done, it's also opened my heart to possibility. My next step is to stop searching within for blame, to stop blaming myself for the actions of another. How to truly do that. To accept myself [for everything I am], and the growth [it's] gifted me. 

Sent this to M a few months ago, great reminder at this time. The fears and insecurities that I have are okay. Rather than viewing this as a standard relationship hiccup and letting the thoughts guide his mind into confusion and fog, I hope that we bear the strength and wisdom to view this as an opportunity to explore a human mind and learn about a story of insecurity. Like a history class. 

I know that the past has given me all the resources and wisdom to make the right decisions and love myself. After all, this is a self-love journey, isn't it? Makes me value this reality check-in that much more. How to stop comparing, to truly accept myself for the occasional mess that I'm slowly growing to adore. 

To use this insecurity to create something that much more beautiful, whatever it is.