I had another bad dream. Thought of calling G. Hell, I even thought of calling C. Ended up texting M, turning on the light, and going back to sleep. It wasn't too difficult. What happens when I live alone and I have bad dreams?
I'm going to Jess' birthday party in 15 minutes. This time last year, G and I were having problems. We almost broke up, but we both knew we couldn't be apart. Truth is, this time last year, I was prepared to spend an unfulfilled life with him.
And what about now? Well, I'm seeing M tonight and I have a few things to tel him. One is that perhaps WTA is not the route to go, but he and I both knew that.
Second is, well, slightly more emotional. Second is going to be that I want to want to start a family one day. I experienced a lot of rejection early in life, from family--aunts/uncles, cousins, classmates. I was always a little different, and everyone knew that before I did. I want to have a shot at a normal family.
I fall in love for the experience, the adventure, the thrill, and to feel human. And truth is, I secretly wish that each one will be the one. But they continue to let me down with infidelity, begging the question, time and again, what is wrong with me? What am I missing? Am I too much, not enough? Do I bring out the infidelity in people? And ultimately, am I not meant to be with someone forever? And so time again, I decide that I'm only in it for the short story. But oh boy, wouldn't it be nice to be wrong? As terrifying (and quite frankly, impossible) as it sounds...
That's just the thing though, I hold onto the hope that there is a love for me. That there is a love that is powerful enough to hold two extraordinary souls together. One that rises above all. I'm not asking for that person or love to be him, but I ask him not to stand in the way of it. What I mean by that is a little more complicated.
You see, he has a habit of jumping from one relationship to another. He identifies another option, and then leaves the current on in pursuit of the new. And with the rejection and the history of infidelity, I don't need one more person rejecting me, leaving me. I don't need someone else betraying my trust. Because I want to hold onto the hope that I still have.
And so we are here. It's not about trust or the fear of getting hurt. I can handle the pain. A few tears, a few writing sessions, a little self manipulation and power off with the emotions and pain. I begin anew, reinvent myself, and explode in power.
But there is time wasted. And I will be lost. And I will lose a little faith. And I will be hurt.