April 8, 2018

Today’s Matt’s birthday and when he asked me what I was looking forward to, I said alone time. I feel so guilty for saying it but didn’t mean it that way at all. What I meant was that I’m really happy with him because I don’t feel as guilty when I enjoy alone time. Perhaps?

I’ve spent the whole week with Matt, even working together throughout the day. It feels right, it feels natural. We stand for very similar things in life, and I’ve never felt so natural in a relationship before. Still, I have trouble being myself and being honest. Also, I think about G a lot—I think about true love, and I wonder if I just threw it away.

I asked myself this question the other day—given that true love and creation are amongst the more important things to me, would I give up one in order to pursue the other. In other words, if I had true love, would I give it up in order to pursue creation, or would I acknowledge how rare it is to have one and be content. The answer was apparent, I would give up true love to pursue creation. Perhaps creation is my true love. I trust Matt with my heart. I don’t know if he’ll fall for someone, but what’s important is that I’m falling for myself while I’m with him. I trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. I trust him to be the person I think he is.

I have the thought of inviting Matt to go all in with me—to approach this as if we were going to last forever. To live forever in the time that we are together. To value quality over quantity, to not expect forever, but live it now. Was very close to asking him last night, but didn’t want to freak him out on his birthday.

Then I thought about it again, and why make this emotional? I’m doing this mostly because I want to move on from G right? To truly give this my all and see where it goes…but do I really want that? Or should I let it happen naturally? Truth is, it already kinda feels like I’m living forever without the expectation of it. It’s such a natural, magnificent feeling.