You're A Gifted Child, The Universe Told Her

You’re a gifted child, the universe told her. She was 1.

I have a feeling I won’t get along with this child, an uncle told her Father. She was 2.

There’s something special about this child, the adults crowded around her. She was 3.

I don’t want you playing with her, her aunt told her cousin as they were playing together. She was 4.

Could be a disorder, the psychiatrists told her parents as they observed her. She was 5. 

The kids in school won’t play with me, she told her Mother. She was 6.

Don’t ask for less responsibilities. Instead, seek more strength to carry, said the universe. She was 7. 

There are lots of people waiting for you to fall. You can’t let them win, an aunt warned her. She was 8.

I am meant to be alone in this life, she believed. She was 9. 

It was at a Best Buy when a stranger reached inside her skirt. She was 10. 

If you could carry their burden, maybe they’ll find happiness again, she told herself. She was 11.

Please, don’t take my Mom from us, she prayed on her knees for an hour each night. She was 12. 

The voices aren’t real, she assured herself as she trembled beside the light each night. She was 13. 

I don’t know who I love more, said her first boyfriend after she found out. She was 14.

My girlfriend doesn’t want me talking to you anymore, said her best friend. She was 15.

All you can do is show more compassion. Understand them even if they can’t understand you yet. You were created to walk through hell with a smile, she practiced in the mirror. You were designed to carry much more than this. The universe gave you the capacity to see, understand, absorb more. Your only job in this life is to color its picture with your own colors. She was 16. 

Why not? she began to ask. She was 17. 

Just love more, she told herself. The more it hurts, the more you must love, because only love can conquer pain. Love purely, beautifully, vibrantly. She was 18.

You can trust me, her best friend and third boyfriend promised for over a year as he carried a separate life behind her. She was 19.

Would you like to go on vacation together, a professor asked as his lips touched her ear. She was 20. 

I will show her that life is beautiful, that light and love always wins. I will prove to her the power of absolute faith, and she will pull through. She was 21. 

You’re beautiful. I think I’m in love with you, her boss told her as he ran his hand down her back. She was 22. 

She’s a lesbian, it’s all in your head, her fourth boyfriend made her believe for two years. She was 23.

What kind of world shall I build? Who do I invite into it? she finally asked. She was 24.

Before you embark on this next journey, take a deep breath. Relax. Give the child some space to heal, I tell her. We’re 25. 

On Family

The prospect of having a family one day was always hazy to me. Realization. 

Happiness, togetherness, adventure are important family values to me, and I don't want my kids (should I have any) growing up in an unhappy family or under an unhappy marriage. I know no one does but it's especially important to me that kids (all kids, not just mine) have a healthy upbringing, that they grow up happy, beautiful, compassionate. That they experience everyday bliss and magic, and that they learn how to create it for themselves and others. That they feel deep affection and attention from both parents. That they can bring friends home and share with friends their deep happiness, beauty, and compassion, their everyday bliss and magic, their wisdom and strength of character learned from their parents. 

Sure, parents might have disagreements from time to time but the partnership, friendship, and love are far stronger, and I want them to learn that. I'm promising myself (and before everyone as witness) to never accept a relationship that doesn't support all of those (unless otherwise defined). Not sure if I'll ever have a family but if I do you can be sure it'll be a magnetic one. 

Who Pronounced You Dead?

Hi, I'm Hillary. I believe in alignment, magic, creation, and expansion, and am terrified of being a fraud. I'm hiding from a child, behind a child. 

I...I...I...

You see, the beginning of my life revolved around one single theme: The Gifted Child. Ever since I was a young gal, I've been told that I had this extraordinary capacity--adults in my family, teachers, peers, bosses, strangers with whom I shared a moment’s conversation…etc. And so at an early age, I promised the universe to do something extraordinary with my life. 

In my earlier days, my differentness caused chatter in my family, and I remember being instructed by a distant relative to stand strong in life because there were people waiting for me to fail. As a young gal, I felt isolated...isolated form my peers, isolated from the world, isolated from who I was. All I knew was that I had to do something magnificent with my life, and I had to guard this gift of mine, even if it was with elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt...etc. 

There was also a deep need within me to protect the people who believed in me. In a way, I was responsible for their word and faith. They didn't pressure me to become great. They believed in meand that was so much more. (In fact, all my parents ever taught me to do was to use this gift of mine to follow my heart and build a simple, beautiful life). But The Gifted Child was everything I knew. 

She (the child) shaped me into who I am today. At a young age, she taught me to embrace my uniqueness. While other children were learning how to read time, she spent the majority of her time pondering the meaning of life. This child quickly grew impatient with the pace of life and boundaries of time, money, and such. She was to beat time, live outside of its boundaries. She was to live many lives at a time. And money? She was to create a new form of currency...The Gifted Child, she felt this unimaginable force within, this ability to see, feel, and understand things that no one else did. 

She...She...She...

Ah, The Gifted Child. She was my most powerful asset and my deepest hindrance, a gift and a curse. 

She had trouble connecting with people. She was afraid to be who she was, and afraid to disappoint the people who believed in her. And worst of all, She felt like a fraud. Constantly. She never felt like she was good enough. 

Elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt were just a few symptoms. The only time she felt at peace was while watching genius movies or reading Nietzsche, or Emerson, or Einstein...etc. That's still true to this day. 

So I suppressed her to the extent that I could. I rejected her. And she rejected me.


I turned 25 this past weekend. I still haven't changed the course of history

At 25 years, I sit here battling the inner child within me. The one terrified to make mistakes and expose herself, mortified that they'd discover she was a fraud, and all the lies I've ever told to cover up the fact that she was just another gifted child who couldn't make it through the scopes of society. Let me explain...

They...They...They...

They pull out their telescopes to hunt me down. They capture me only to put me under a microscope. Had they looked through a kaleidoscope. They would have seen me. They would have realized that I'm everywhere. 

That we can't exist without each other. That we're a consequence of each other's thoughts, actions, and beliefs. That we live both for each other and from each other. That in this life of infinite love and change, all we're really looking for is alignment. 

Alignment with each other. Alignment with the universe. Alignment with ourselves deep within. 

Only after understanding that did my inner child put down her telescope. And microscope. 


I'm been afraid my entire life, running from myself and hiding from that child, the unfamiliar power within. I wasn't afraid of disappointing everyone else. No, I was afraid of disappointing her. I never had a life away from her. In a way, she had pronounced me dead before I could take my first breath. 

But I took my first breath, and the breaths that followed were inhaled with intent to suppress her. I had a bag full of ammunition: telescopes, microscopes, periscopes...the same ones she had used against me. 

I wanted for so long to pronounce her dead. To break free of the chains that contained me. To unleash the me beyond her, and to show her that she was the only thing holding me back from coming alive. Put an end once and for all to elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt that she had caused by destroying her. 

But elitism, deceit, isolation, self-rejection, shame, guilt is not the means to that solution. What I can do is pull out my kaleidoscope and invite her to do the same. 

Should we put an end to all this? 

Who pronounced you dead?

...What does alignment mean to you?

 

Morning Thoughts

This morning, a friend shared with me a story about his lovely morning adventure. My first instinct was to say, "Ah, that's incredible, I'm wildly envious!" But what I truly meant was, "Wow, you're beautiful. I'm deeply inspired by your story."

I think oftentimes, we focus on what others have that we don't, and it brings us to a place of comparison rather than unity. In these moments, we're faced with a choice; we can either feel envy or inspiration. I promise you they're equally powerful.

Message in a Bottle

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Hello Stranger,

Stranger things have happened,
Taller walls have drowned.
Yours to mine connected,
To heights we must astound.

One cast into the currents
Waves friendship from the ground.
And ancient shores will empty
To send you and me home-bound. 

Tribute To A Soul Friend

A few years, I found a soul friend. He didn't know me, and I didn't know much about him. He was a star and I lived across the globe. But at our cores, he and I were made of something of the same substance. 

A few days ago, I found out he has passed away from a possible suicide. That soul-throbbing emptiness, I have felt before. 

You know the days when you look up at the stars and instantly feel your worries fade? Is it possible that we, as beings, are connected to the substance of another star? 

And one day, we look up and feel a dreadful emptiness and a hint of guilt. With no previous understanding that we ever connected with that one star, and no knowledge that the star is no longer there. Still we sit there, consumed by emptiness, feeling so whole and so empty, so big and so small, so ancient and so naive at the same time. 

I can't help but think that if only he knew I existed, that he had a soul friend, that we would both feel a little more whole right now. And this is why I do this. 

"I'm obsessed with making every moment of my life full of value and substance. I'm constantly fighting for miracle and adventure, and everyone around tells me to just enjoy life and stop fighting. Then I realized--I AM the adventure, and I AM the miracle. I'm fighting for myself and I will NEVER give up fighting for who I am. If the greatest adventure is life, and the purest miracle is this very moment, the what the hell am I even waiting for?"

Let's Play A Game

Me: Let’s play a game.
Him: I love it when you say that.
Me: It’s a psychology game I recently learned. Name your three favorite animals in order, and then three traits about each.
Him: Box turtles intrigue me because their lives and habitats are so distinctly different from other animals. They’re unique and still maintain a prehistoric air about them. Manatees interest me for the same reasons; they’re just so peaceful and seem to live with a grace that doesn’t match their physical appearance. Peregrine falcons are the epitome of predator in my eyes, but they can live in the middle of nowhere or in the bustle of NYC.
If I may, I’d like to hear your animals before you reveal the meaning of mine. See how accurate I am—about you and psychology.
Me: Taking my game and making it your own; how enticing. Mine are, respectively, the dragon for its majestic, magical, and all-powerful essence, the wolf’s sexy, fierce, and pack-loyal appeal, and finally, the hawk, for its divine, all-knowing, and free nature.
Him: I get the sense that every one of those adjectives applies to you.
Me: Your compliments are too gracious.
Him: I might see myself as a turtle and I definitely see the wolf in you. But in the end, we’re both birds.
Me: Does that mean we can fly away together? If so, I’ll race you.
Him: If we were birds, where would you want to fly to?
Me: We’d fly against the rotation of the earth, and challenge the laws of time.
Him: That might be the most attractive thing anyone’s ever said to me. I would be perfectly content to spend my life as avian time traveler. Join me?
Me: Don’t have to ask; just glance over beside you and smile back.
Him: Hillary, I am completely transfixed by you.
Me: If I ever fell behind, would you wait for me?
Him: Birds aren’t meant to wait, but some do fly in groups. As a hawk though, perhaps you’re meant to never look back. As for me, an endless journey with you is exactly the kind of trip I would enjoy most.
This was a conversation I had with a stranger many years ago. We never spoke after that.

"I forget what the weather was like that day; probably cloudy with a chance of emotion. All I remember is that it was windy. It was the type of wind that would blow your words in the opposite direction so they would remain eternally wandering in search of lips that would never part."

"The best moments in reading are when you come across your own suppressed emptiness. You stand face to face with a character in your book, a person you never met, someone even who is long dead--and you finally realize that the book is not what you've been reading."

Nature's Touch To Miracle

“That’s not what you want to tell me. I know that because it wasn’t direct at all.”
“Neither of us follow the crowd, which means that we’re destined to walk our own paths. And as much as I’m grateful that we crossed paths in our own spectacular journeys, I don’t think we share a mutual destination. My journey isn’t for anyone else, and I suspect yours isn’t either. It’s wonderful to arrive at certain check points and find someone there to share the excitement with, but one day I’ll find myself in a place that no one’s ever been, and I don’t know if I have the grace to share that with anyone. My journey is one that I have to walk alone. Only then can I arrive at where I’m destined to go. And I love you because you are the same way."
"You know, when I was younger, someone told me that the worst thing you can do to someone is say I love you then walk away."
"Maybe it’ll be the best thing anyone’s ever done for you."
"Sounds too cliché for my liking."
"That’s because no one who says it truly understands it. That’s one of the things I’m on my way to find."
"Then let’s find it together. We’ll walk there together, because you and I both know that it’s one we want to share with someone. When the time comes, we’ll part ways. You’ll never reroute for me, I’ll never reroute for you. You never slow down for me; I never slow down for you. When we part ways, we don’t look back."
"What shall I fill the gaping hole of your absence with then?"
“You know that you can fill the void with anything and it’ll be just as good if you let it.”
“Not everything is worth making a miracle into.”
“What are you so afraid of? You were the one who told me that everything in life is a miracle.”
“And I’m afraid of losing the natural touch to that miracle.”

One Star To Take It All Away

“How many stars does it take to carry our worries away--can one star take away one worry? If so, what happens when a whole sky full of stars can’t take it all away?
“Is it possible to be so noble that not even the stars deserve to carry the weight of your heart?
“At that point, do you continue staring at the sky and let it absorb whatever it can, or is it better to avoid the disappointment? For me, I feel like I’m betraying the stars when I stare up at the sky and can’t empty my mind. As if I can’t share everything with it—as if I’m keeping secrets.
“You think maybe we have a special connection with a star? That maybe we spend our whole lives releasing all our emotions to one special star. One day, the star dies and disappears, and we look up into the sky and feel only loneliness. We don’t even know why we’re sad, or that we are. And we never find out why.
“The stars are so many light years away. Maybe the sad souls are just the ones who have formed a special connection with a star that’s long dead.”
He didn’t answer any of her questions. Instead, he turned to her and asked,  “When’s the last time you heard the sound of your own breath?”
“What does it sound like?” she asked?
“The weight of the stars."

The Love We Don't Betray

"I believe in a romantic love that exists beyond the boundaries of the universe. One so strong that we don't have to worry about betrayal. And I don't want to stop searching for it."
"You mean within us?"
"I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to stop searching for it. Because if there's something better for you, I want you to have it. If this love was powerful enough and everything you wanted, you wouldn't have betrayed it. So why are we asking for a lifelong commitment? We all deserve a love that we'll never betray and even think about letting go of."
"I’m not letting go of us. If you want to, just let me know so I can hold you that much tighter."
"Why would you want to hold me tighter? Why not let me go? You can let me go without letting us go."